And she looks so innocent,,,

Last night we were about to take the girls out on their scooter. I told Renah she could not wear the pants she was wearing because they were not playing pants. I told her to find some with holes in them. A few minutes later, she came up to me and said, " I found some with holes." I looked at her and noticed she was wearing the same pants, as I looked closer, I noticed they did now have a hole in the knee. She had taken scissors and cut holes in them so they did now have holes! She is nothing if not logical!

I am so lazy right now

I am watching, "Franklin's Christmas" with the girls while reading and finding new blogs. We are still in our pj's at 2 pm! Wade is napping. We have not been doing much of anything since Christmas. Just playing the new Wii, taking the girls out with their new scooters and last night managed to go to the Y to swim. Oh, and of course sleeping - lots of that! I feel bad because i should be doing laundry but I am enjoying all this nothingness and cuddling. I hope you too are enjoying the rest of the holidays. have a good day.

Thanks Lisa!

Lisa gave this to me several days ago and I just put it up. Thanks! I however do not know if 10 people read this blog - lol! So if you read this, I award you!
A. Put the logo on your blog.
B. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
C. Nominate ten other blogs, add links to those blogs, and leave a message for your nominees on their blogs.

so lazy

It is 2:20 pm, I have been up for about 2 hours. I had some yogurt, read blogs, took a shower and am back in bed. I am in the world's softest robe hubby got me for Christmas and am watching design shows. All I need now is someone feeding me grapes - lol. I feel a nap coming on. Have a good afternoon.

Merry Christmas!

These are a few pictures from today. Renah was not happy about her scooter at first, but now loves it. Ainsley has been asking for one for awhile and was so excited. Ainsley said it was the best Christmas ever and that did us good. I hope you all had a wonderful day too.

Hey Y'all!

I am not usually a fan of the word y'all, but when Paula Deen says it, I find it charming. The reason I am writing about her is that hubby got me this as a Christmas present. He gave it to me early do I could use it to cook Christmas Dinner. I wasn't able to use them much but I love them! He is really spoiling me this year so far! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and remember the true reason we celebrate.

Where am I?

Why I am glad you asked! I am blogging right now from my new computer! Wade bought me an Asus EEE. It weighs around 2 pounds and is so cute. Now I can actually get computer time whenever I want. Woo hoo!!!!

9 years

That's how long Wade and I have been married today. Wow, we have had quite a ride so far. We have lived in 12 different houses together and he had a couple of others while deployed. 2 countries (together) and 4 states! I love him more today than the day we married. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. So here we are then and now (ok not really now but we don't have our latest pics from my BIL) Yes, I realize these are not he best quality. I did a very technical thing with them - I took a picture of a picture hanging on the wall!

What I have been doing

Wow it has been a busy few days. Here has been what's happened:



































So as you can see we have had Ainsley in the handbell choirs, Renah was in the cherub choir, Ainsley was student of the month and had her first cheerleading game. And it's only Tuesday!
Ainsley's cheering brought back so many funny memories of me cheering - even the same color uniform! I am helping her learn the cheers and it is so many of the ones I did in school lol! She loved it and was so cute out there!
God has really shown his protection this week, you can read about it in my husband's blog. It was a real eye opener for us, and how we have to guard ourselves and our family in prayer and constantly be listening to the voice of God.
The rest of the week looks to be just as busy as this first half but I will try to stay connected. Have a good week!

Whew

Well, the semester is finally over. I am pretty sure I bombed my physical science final. But I am unable to care. I made it through the semester and that is all that matters right now. I feel I have had to put my grieving on hold to make it through, but I am still so sad. I am having such a hard time right now b/c I have made myself go on and push through to get to the end of the semester and the past few days I have felt more of what feels like baby movement again. That is so hard. Last night I even tried to feel it from the outside to see if I could get Wade to feel it as well to prove to myself I am not crazy. I couldn't of course so I didn't get Wade to try.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant by now. It is difficult to see pregnant women. I am not jealous or angry that they are pregnant, just sad that I am not. We are thinking of trying again soon. I have said before I am not trying to replace Mishael, but I do want a baby. I will never forget how happy I was while pregnant nor will I forget the misery I have gone through since finding out he was gone, but I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet. And I know that when we feel we are done having children, my family still will not be complete until we are reunited in heaven. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense.
When I started this blog, I just did it for me and anyone who would read. I still don't know who all reads it, but it has been so beneficial for me. I met someone at a Christmas party the other night. He works at the counseling center at the school, Wade was talking to him and called me over. 18 years ago, when his wife was 39 weeks pregnant they found out that the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and she had died. He asked how I was and I of course started crying. He told me that just that week he had found his wife lying in bed crying because she missed Emily. He told me to come by anytime to talk to him if I wanted and I thought about it and might, but I really get out so many of my feelings here.
I know it would probably be good but I don't know if I am ready to share my grief face to face yet. That sounds crazy I know, but writing it down as I can is different than going to someone and telling them how I hate this happened and how much I miss him. Either way nothing changes the fact that he is gone. Well, this was not what I intended to write about , but that is the beauty of it. I can write what comes out and you can choose not to read it if you like. But if you did get this far, have a good day.

Update

The nurse called me a couple of hours later, the CT scan showed no blood on the brain, so it was unlikely a stroke. They do not know what is going on though. They have kept her sedated with a tube down her throat since her breathing is difficult. Wade looked at the car and fixed a few things but the check engine light is still on. So I decided to wait until after Wednesday to go down there. We have finals until then and are waiting on a part for the car.

My mom

I may be going to Huntsville later on today, I received a phone call from my BIL at about 5:30 this morning. My mom has been in a medical clinic since Thanksgiving b/c she fell and broke her leg. The nurses went to check in on her and was unable to wake her. She had symptoms of a stroke. The rushed her to the hospital but I don't know anything else right now. Wade is working on the car right now b/c the check engine light came on and the other one can't go more than a few miles without overheating, so if it can be fixed I will go down there.

Christmas Meme

So I "borrowed" this from Musings of a Housewife (woo hoo I learned how to link!) I love her blog, she is so honest and funny. So here is her Christmas Meme with my answers though I "borrowed" some of her answers as well!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper for the family and gift bags for others, not because I don't care but I am not a good wrapper or rapper for that matter.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Last year we went with real and I think as long as we are stateside we will have the real thing!

3. When do you put up the tree? I like putting it up the Saturday after Thanksgiving but this year we were out of town so we are putting it up today

4. When do you take the tree down? New Years Day

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, in small amounts though

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably the year I received the walkman - yes, a cassette one!

7. Hardest person to buy for? My husband and FIL

8. Easiest person to buy for? The kids and my MIL

9. Do you have a nativity scene? I think we lost that on one of our many moves

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail absolutely!

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I got a gold sparkly black sweater from my mom right after I got married. I gushed over that ugly thing and later my husband cautiously asked me, " So you like that sweater your mom got you?" I laughed and said "absolutely not but my mom always buys me ugly clothes and I have had years of experience pretending to like them!" I was impressed with my acting abilities!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Movie and It's a Wonderful Life - 2 very different types but I love them both

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever the spirit leads. - yep me too

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? guilty - 3 words- seashell picture frames

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? too much to choose from

16. Lights on the tree? Yes! I prefer white lights but Wade and the girls are all about the colors

17. Favorite Christmas song? Oh Holy Night

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home!

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixon! Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen! But do you recall… the most famous reindeer of aaaaaaaaaall… Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! - "borrowed"

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We have an angel whose wings light up and move but I think might be too big for the size tree we will need this year

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve - new jammies and the rest Christmas morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Christmas decorations put out too early. Patience, people! Let’s enjoy Thanksgiving first! - I agree

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I like them ALL!

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham and the sides

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? good memories

God amazes me

I should be studying as I have a final in a little over an hour but was looking for something online and found this a song by Bldg 429. It spoke to me today, maybe it will to you as well:

You ought to know that I am here (near)
You ought to know I'll be here to love you
Just to love you
Through all the pain and through the years
I'll be the one to dry your tears
I love you, I love you
Because you're mine

Child of mine I know that you're hurting
And I've seen you try to soldier on
I am here to lift away your burden
And I will hold you till the pain is gone

So today I promise forever
Tomorrow I'll say it again
You would give it all to know the answers
And I know you've heard this all before
I'm just here to help your heart remember
That no one else could ever love you more

So today I promise forever
Tomorrow, I'll say it again

So don't you ever doubt
You are my precious child
my glory in the making
The years will bring you many trials
But I will never let you down
I'm here with my arms open just waiting for

Tagged

I got the cornbread on for the stuffing and decided to wait on studying for the final - really bad I know! So here goes!

Tagged - My Top 8

8 TV Shows I love to watch:
1. Jon and Kate Plus 8
2. The Office
3.Scrubs
4. Biggest Loser
5. Reba
6. HDTV - anything!
7. According to Jim
8. The Dugger's on TLC

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Macaroni Grill
2. Olive Garden
3. Outback
4. Chili's
5. Shlotski's
6. Cracker Barrel
6. Chick-Fil-A
7. Carabba's
8. Giada's (in Italy - my favorite!)

8 Things that happened today:

1. Got Ainsley to school.
2. Went to Physical Science
3. Had lunch at Lee with friends
4. Went to the gym
5. Made cornbread.
6. cleaned the living room a bit
7. procrastinated my studying
8. Caught up on reading blogs

8 Things I am looking forward to:
1. Finals being over!
2.A clean house once school is over
3. Graduation
4. My 9th anniversary coming up
5. Christmas
6. Christmas shopping
7. My girls faces Christmas morning
8. Seeing my son again

8 Things on my Wish list:
1. A minivan
2. A computer for me so we could stop having to share
3.A nice vacation
4. A chance to have another baby
5.A constantly clean house
6. debt free
7. A massage
8. straight A's

People I tag: I don't know who all reads this -so if I didn't list you consider yourself tagged

1. Lisa
2. Tippa
3. Laura
4. Colleen
5. Bree

Too busy!

We had a nice Thanksgiving and are back right into finals and Christmas parties and a messy house again. I was tagged by another Christina and am happy to answer as soon as I have a few minutes to breathe! I hope you all are ok. I have a final to study for and stuffing to make. Talk to you later!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are going to Florida to visit Wade's family. I am just trying to get through it without a complete meltdown! Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the blessings I have, but I can't help but miss my son and wish he were in my healthy and growing inside if me.
Ainsley is really sick right now so if you think about it, would you send up a prayer for her. She is so excited about the trip tomorrow and I hate that she is feeling so badly. She missed school today and her Christmas program at school tonight. Now it looks as though Renah is coming down with the same thing. I just want them to feel better!

My 4 year old

Today Renah turned 4. On a very rainy night she came into this world. We dropped Ainsley off at a sitter's and proceeded to the hospital. The roads were so flooded that the car stalled twice. I began to panic as contractions were getting closer that I was going to deliver in the car! We joked we were going to change her name to Raina! But we did make it to the hospital and after making us walk around (which to my husband meant climbing stairs!) to ensure it was true labor, they admitted me. At 1:26 in the morning she was born. 7 lbs 14 oz 21 inches. The midwife let my husband deliver her since he missed the first birth. She was born to be a little sister. She is mischevious and knows how to get what she wants. Ainsley spoiles her rotten! She loves her stuffed animals and baby dolls. Still a baby in some ways but excerts her independance often. She is our strong willed child in every sense! I just love this girl!

My Ideal day

I am sitting here in my house that needs to be cleaned (as usual) imagining my perfect day. I would wake up early, work out, read my Bible, get showered, wake the girls and get them ready, make a healthy breakfast and eat with them while having a family devotion, get Ainsley to school, come home and do some chores, blog, do an art project or letter of the day with Renah, have lunch with Wade and let Renah play, have a little time to myself to have coffee and read more blogs, make a delicious dinner, play with the girls, get them ready for bed, have quality time with Wade and be in bed by 10:30. But even typing it makes me tired!
I think we as women have such high expectations of ourselves and when we fall short (because we will) we feel like we have failed as a wife, mom, and woman. I am not saying to let it all slide like I have been lately, but not to hold who we are in what we do. Those are just the thoughts I am having right now.
Also, last night I was watching "17 kids and counting" b/c I am fascinated by that show and would love to have a large family with better hair and clothes b/c deep down, I'm still kindof shallow! Anyway - I derailed! They were making their own laundry detergent. They can make their own for about $3 for 2 months worth for a family that size. Then today, I was reading a blog and she said she made her own as well. I love making things myself! I always make Christmas presents and am really intrigued by making my own laundry detergent. I may try it, maybe in part b/c it fits into my ideal day and doing so much! What is your ideal day?

Need Motivation!

I stayed home from church tonight to study. I am so needing to focus but can't! The girls are bickering off and on and I just can't seem to pay attention long enough to get anything done. I had a really bad day. It is Wednesday for one and as much as I try to not let it get to me, I go back to Wednesday 5 weeks ago and relive it. But there were other frustrating things today. It would not have been a big deal but right now, every day things are hard and then add an annoyance and it is too much! I got my necklace in the mail. I can't get a good picture of it, so here is the link if you want to see it http://www.littleangelsonlinestore.com/Store/proddetail.php?prod=BFHN. I am going to try and get the back engraved but am not sure if I can b/c it is small. I can't explain why i wanted it but I did. I think my husband thinks I am crazy sometimes, but he is nice enough not to say so! Well, I am going to attempt to finish my studying now. Have a good evening!

Some pictures

I decided to put a few pictures up. The first one is of Ainsley, she is enjoying her after school snack of popcorn. The second is of Renah and while it is hard to see, she is wearing those gross "Bubba teeth." She got some the other day and loves them. The last is a picture I decided to work on. When Wade and I first came home from the doctor's office, Wade took the ultrasound pictures and put them away so I wouldn't have to look at them for awhile. The other day I told him I wanted them back out. He said h only put them up until I was ready to have them out. I wasn't sure how ready I was but when I looked around the living room and saw pictures of my girls I needed a picture of my son. The cross is something the nurses put with him for the pictures they took of him. And while I do have those pictures of him after I delievered, I needed these put up. I found some scrapbooking stickers for the letters and put the meaning of his name on the frame. Some may think it is a little morbid, but it helps me and I feel is a good reminder.
So this weekend I got the reminder that women get that they are not pregnant. I had and have mixed feelings. Part of me was a little glad because it means we can start thinking of another child and another part knows I shouldn't be thinking about getting pregnant right now because I should be pregnant. But I am not and nothing I can do will bring back that pregnancy. I am not trying to replace my son nor do I think by getting pregnant I will feel better. God knows the right timing for me though.
We had a good weekend. Friday noght was the harvest festival at Ainsley's school. I won a gift certificate to a little shop downtown and found a few things this afternoon. Saturday, Wade and I went to Gatlinburg. We had about an hour and a half total to shop and we saw "The Miracle", it is a musical about the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus. It was really good. It was a nice day for Wade and I. Some time together we needed. Well, I thank you if you read. I know I tend to ramble. Mostly, this is my therapy, it helps me to write about what has happened. But I do enjoy the writing. i hope you have a great afternoon.

It's finally Friday

Woo hoo. I had my 4 week checkup this week. It doesn't seem like it has been that long but at the same time it seems like years. Nothing came out of the tests. For Wade, it is easier knowing there was no reason, but I wanted an answer so badly. I had some questions for my doctor this time. One of which was I still feel movement. I will be sitting doing nothing important and suddenly I feel what feels just like a little kick or roll. For a brief moment, my mind forgets and I enjoy the feeling of my baby, then reality kicks me in the face and I remember that my baby is dead and go back to the moment I found out. It is so painful. In my reading about miscarriages and all the people I have talked with, no one has said anything about this. My doctor said it is a physical reaction to extreme emotions and should go away one day. She compared it to almost being in a car wreck, your heart begins to race and you tense up, while you did not get in a wreck, you still have physical reactions. We also talked about another pregnancy, she said they will see me more often and have many more ultrasounds until I am at 24 weeks. I told her I was scared and every pain or odd feeling was going to scare me. She told me that was ok and to call, she will see me an check things out. Later on in the conversation, I found out she too had a miscarriage about 12 years ago. She said while she is ok most of the time, she will see something sometimes and still cry. Well, I have to get ready for class as much as I want to stay home!. I hope you have a wonderful relaxing weekend.

It's almost Friday

This has been a crazy week. I had a test on Monday, a paper in Tuesday, a final on Wednesday, and a presentation today. Not to mention Ainsley's homework ( I know she's in kindergarten but it is still something to get done at night!), Wednesday night church ( that doesn't start until 8) an we have to do a video tonight for church Sunday night. I am tired! My 1:00 was canceled today and I ended up sleeping through my next class. Thankfully, I only have one class tomorrow and the school's fall festival tomorrow night.
We are going to Gatlinburg Saturday. Our university got a trip together for the married students with kids. They have childcare and the parents get to spend the day at the outlet shops and we can go to the Miracle Theater for only $10 a ticket! Part of me feel guilty for leaving the girls all day but the other part is so excited to have a day with hubby. I was online last night and found a necklace i decided to get. It has little baby feet and the back can be engraved. I have been thinking about it and have wanted something to commemorate Mishael. I don't why I needed it but I did. When I get it I will take a picture and post it. I hope you have a great evening, I am off to do this video!

A sea of hair

I cannot take it! I am vacuuming constantly an every time I look down there is white hair all over my carpet. Miley is shedding so bad she really should be bald! We have a dyson so it is not like the vacuum is not picking the hair up. But as soon as I am done and empty the container I look down and see more hair! I am not used to having a dog in the house so I don't know how to fix this. Any suggestions?

Veteran's Day

Today is a special day to remember the one who have served and fought for our country. So thank you honey, my dad, and my father in law. Of course I know many other veterans but these are the ones closest to me. I have another reason today is special, today would have been my dad's 69th birthday. I always thought is cool that his birthday was Veteran's Day and he was military. He always got his birthday off! Bu I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you.

Where have all the turkey's gone?

I was in a store Nov 1st, the day after Halloween, and what do I hear but Christmas music! While I love Christmas music and decorations and such, I love Thanksgiving. I understand that Thanksgiving does not bring the stores the money that Halloween and Christmas do, but it is a holiday none the less and should not be forgotten. It is a time we celebrate our religious freedom and how this country got started. I tried a new design on my blog, but lost some things I had done on the page but that is ok, I like the Thanksgiving theme.
I did not have class today and that was nice. I wanted to clean all day but when I got home from taking Ainsley to school I laid back down- I was so tired. I did get some things done but not everything I wanted done. I think I set unreal expectiations sometimes. I have been feeling so overwhelmed since losing my baby and have had such a hard time keeping up with the house and schoolwork. I can't seem to find the energy or the desire to try and get everything done. I am trying but just can't yet. But I knew that if I could clean up today, it would help some.
I was in my counseling class yesterday, we had to ge with someone we don't know well and do some mock counseling. I was not looking forward to it and when I sat down with the girl, we started talking. The assignment was to try out a certain technique and discuss some problem we have or something we have been going through. The whole time I was the "counselor" I was trying to figure out how to discuss something without crying. I didn't make it two words so I told her when happened. I was embarrased because I really didn't want to bring her down and make the whole thing about me.
I talked to Wade afterwards and he told me not to be embarrassed about it because it is a real problem and is something they will need to work with if they become a counselor. Part of me knew that but did not want to break down in class again. Well, I did not mean for this post to be this long. I need to go to sleep - it's 1 in the morning, but I has tea for dinner and the caffeine is keeping me up. Blogging is better than laying here trying to sleep, so maybe I will type for swhile longer. When I started blogging I had no real reason except just to journal, but I am so thankful I did, this is very therapeutic. And even if no one reads it but me, it is good to get all of these emotions out.
I feel God has had His hand on so many things even the small things such as starting a blog and reading others that have helped grow my faith. I started reading the Audrey Caroline blog a few months before I got pregnant. Hearing her story has strengthened me and helped me in my journey. When I was sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to get the ultrasound, God brought back to my rememberance the time she wrote about her ultrasound when she found out about her baby's illness. She said to the technichian, "God is still God and He is still on the throne" That is what I kept repeating to myself while I sat there. I knew something was not right, but until the bleeding began I had no proof. But my God is amazing and loves me enough to teach me things before I need them.
He is showing me His love more and more every day. He shows me in so many ways and through people, especially my husband. He is such an amazing husband and has been here for me and my emotions over the past 3 weeks. I feel bad because I don't feel I have been there for him like he has been there for me, but he just keeps giving to me and letting me deal my grief. I am so thankful for him. Well, I am going to attempt sleep now. Goodnight.

And through it all life goes on...

Experiencing my brother's and father's death did not prepare me for the grief I am feeling with the loss of my Mishael. The world keeps moving and I am grieving. School work still comes due, bills still have to be paid, the house still needs to be cleaned (seriously - my house is a mess). The world doesn't stop for grief. I want it to, I don't want to have to be responsible for anything right now but that is not possible.
I am so thankful for the children I have but miss the child that is gone. I believe a loss of a child is horrible, no matter the amount of children one has. Someone said, "at least it wasn't your first child, you have 2 others". I know what I am missing by this child not being here in my tummy and later in our lives. I know the good and the bad- late nights, early mornings, first smiles, laughs, hugs and kisses of a child. If this were my first I wouldn't know what I was missing but would know that I was missing something amazing. Looking at both sides I don't believe either one has it "easier".
I have also had some, "aside from that how are you?" Right now there isn't an aside from that, that is all I feel right now. I know people are trying to help but they can't it is something I must deal with in my own time. Wednesdays and Thursdays are especially tough. Wednesday was the day I found out and Thursday is the day I delievered him. I am having a hard time with being involved right now. I have always been one to volunteer for things and usually stretch myself too thin but love it, right now, I don't enjoy voluteering. I am having a hard enough time with what has to be done. I am trying so hard though not to make people feel uncomfortable in my grief. A friend told me to be as selfish as I want right now, it is about Wade and I no one else. Life is like standing at an escalator trying to step on, you know if you want to get up you have to but you are scared, life is going on around me sooner or later I have to get back on. I just don't think it will be sooner.

Harsh words

So my last post may have seemed a bit harsh and while I am not one to usually express my political feelings because I do feel it is personal I was surprised at the American public and how the economy and race were such a huge part of this election. There were so many other issues that even some Christians did not consider with their vote. Coming from a military childhood and marriage, I feel the military issue is above all else. The military protects us from those outside and sometimes inside our country.
While Sept.11 did happen and it was horrendous, because we have such a strong military, we don't see things like that more often. They are brave and strong over the past 8 years have been taken care of. While I do not agree with Bush on many things, I do know he had our military in mind. It was so hard to cast my vote 4 years ago for Bush because I knew when I cast that vote, I was casting a vote for my husband to be deployed again and possible hurt or worse. But I knew in my heart it was the right decision for my country.
The military has to make hard decisions that affect their family and country every day and deserve to have respect and to be provided for. Did you know that a solider who has a family and is less than an E-6 rank qualifies for WIC and in some cases food stamps? It is sad that our heroes are not being cared for in the way they should be. I am thankful those programs are available to them but they should not have to need it. As I said last night, God is not surprised by this it is all in His hands. Just pray for our nation and our new president.

Well that just stinks

We have a new president and I believe it is one of the worst decisions America has ever made. I am truly disappointed in the American people and how they are willing to be lied to over and over during the campaigning. I feel they will be shocked into reality when he does not fulfill his promises and changes his promises. God is still on the throne and not surprised by the dumb decisions we as Americans just made. This should not have been a vote about race but the issues and while McCain is not a perfect candidate he would have at least taken care of our military. I think the prayers for America just sky rocked and the terrorists just laughed an evil laugh. God have mercy on us! Agree with me or disagree I don't really care just pray for our nation.

Halloween

So guess who learned how to add pictures? Just not yet how to get them in the order I want! The doctor is Renah and supergirl is Ainsley. The pumpkin in the far left is what Ainsley drew and we carved it. The far right is Renah's - it requires a bit more imagination but we still liked it. I did the 2 in the middle and apparantly didn't realize that halloween is for scary stuff not our Army/America pride! The girls had a lot of fun and got so much candy! We had a good weekend. We had a special speaker on Sunday, he called Wade and I to minister to us about 3 times. When he first started talking about people needing a touch and to feel loved I sat in my seat. I said to myself, "God, I know you love me but I'm not going anywhere right now I can't, if you have something to tell me or want to minister to me, you will have to come to me" Within a minute the minister was in front of Wade and I, and kept coming back. In the service last night, he came up to us again and asked if we were the couple that was sitting across the aisle that morning and again wanted to minister to us. He said, " I don't know what your need is, but God knows and wants you to know again like this morning, everything is going to be alright. You both have been on my mind all afternoon so I prayed for you all afternoon." Wade talked to our pastor after service and he told Wade that he told the minister nothing about what we had been going through. I am amazed at the love of my Savior. I have always known that he loves me but I guess I feel he is really showing me right now when I need it most. I still hurt but feel strengthened and encouraged. I hope your Sunday was encouraging as well and don't forget to vote tomorrow!

Ignorance is Bliss

That was a thought I had when I was going home after I delivered my son. They had told us it looked as though he had been gone for 2 weeks. I had carried around my son who was no longer living but had no idea - ignorance is bliss. Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment. After the birth my doctor said she could not see a reason this happened; she didn't tell us but sent a sample of my son's skin to pathology to see if they could find a reason. She wanted to give me a reason as badly as we wanted one. Yesterday, with tears in her eyes she said, " I'm sorry but they couldn't find a reason, I wanted so badly to give you a reason."
Later she explained another reason she had the baby tested is because we have 2 healthy girls and when our son died without a reason, there can be reasons in the genetics. They ran a ton of tests on me and took 8 tubes of blood. There could be a clotting issue with me or a disorder on the x chromosome because the girls have two x's they would be fine but the one x could have caused death, or an issue with me thyroid or a few other things with long explanations.
The good news is that if any of those come up in the testing, they can give me something so it would not happen again. The bad news is if nothing comes back, there is no telling what happened. At this point, I truly don't know which would be harder to hear - there is no reason or there was a reason and all you need is this... Each has difficulties.
I am so blessed to have the doctor I do. The way that office works is you see all the doctors and then you can choose which one you want to keep but if your doctor is not on call then you will at least know the delievering doctor. That was my day to see her. I know God had planned on me being with her on that particular day.
Wade and I have talked about this recently and truly feel this is an attack from the devil. A few months ago we were constantly bickering and couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything. After a few weeks of this, Wade said," Have you noticed since we said yes to the call of ministry, we have been attacked in our relationship?" I had not put a timeline on it but obviously had noticed how hard things were. We decided we were not going to be blind to it, we were going to fight it.
Right now, Wade and I are closer than we have been in a long time. We are holding on to each other and the promises of God like never before. We hate being separated and while that has always been the case, it is something we got used to with his deployments. Now, we have a hard time going to class without each other. We miss each other's company too much. But it hasn't been just since losing our baby, we got closer before this, this has cememted it.
But God was not suprised by this, He knew and had been preparing us in our relationship, in things I had read, etc. He is hurting with us and crying with us but he is also feeding us and preparing us for what comes next. Nothing happens without God's knowledge and consent. Do I think God took my son? Absolutely not! I believe satan wanted to destroy us and since he couldn't destroy what Wade and I have he decided to attack something we could do nothing about. Does know all this make this any easier? No! But in the midst of our pain, we have hope and trust God with everything is us that good is coming from this.
We don't know what that will be, whether a ministry for other parents who have lost children or what. There is a need for it. I know that my dad is holding my son and Wade says teaching him to play instruments (my dad was a talented musician)He and my brother are playing with him but I so wish that we could here on earth. May God give you the hope you have been seeking.

The kindness of strangers

All but one of Wade's professors have experienced a miscarriage and are very compassionate. One is getting us a book called I'll Hold you in Heaven. They have said they hope no one has said the things they said to them. Some people said really heartless things about their grief mostly it wasn't a real baby so why are you grieving. That shocked and appalled me. How could anyone say that to someone who did lose a child. I don't care if you were 3 weeks pregnant or your child is 80, he/she is a child to someone and is grieved. The pictures of my son are the pictures of a baby. Though small he had his eyes, nose, mouth, ears, ten fingers and toes. He was beautiful and I miss him I even think I still feel him moving inside of me sometimes.
But Wade and I have had nothing but kindness from so many people. On the Wednesday I found out that my son had died, I had 2 checks in my purse that I was going to take to the bank after my appointment. Obviously we did not go there and quickly forgot about them until a couple of days ago when we noticed a couple of overdraft fees and realized the checks were still in my purse. We went to the bank and I went inside to try and explain. We needed that money back and as much as I did not want to go in there I knew I should.
I went to a teller and asked for a supervisor, she asked me what I needed and I told her what happened. She apologized and said she would get someone. When she came back she came up to me and hugged me and said " I am so sorry and am praying for you." I went to the supervisors office and she came up to me and hugged me with tears in her eyes and apologized. She took care of the overdraft fees without a problem and when she came back after depositing the checks she asked," Do you mind if I pray with you?" ( can you tell I live in a small town?) I told her it would be nice. She prayed a beautiful prayer and then began to ask me questions about my baby and let me sit there and talk about him. It was so sweet and comforting. She cried with me. I know I have sat and cried with people I knew that have been through this and other situations, I always felt I might be making them feel worse but am an easy crier and can't turn it off. But I now know that having someone sit and feel your pain so much they cry with you means the world to one who is struggling.
At the end of her prayer she prayed, " And God when it's your time, give them another child, not to take this one's place but to fill her arms again" It was beautiful. I do know I want at least one more child, it is not to take the place of this baby and as I told my husband, I could have 10 more children but would always be missing one. Every family photo, holiday meal, and every day I will look at my children and know that one is not here with me and will miss him forever. At the same time I am so scared to attempt another pregnancy. I have looked up the stats and know that after a miscarriage 90% go on to have a full term pregnancy. But 10% sound like too much to not have a full term pregnancy, after all there was only a 3% chance I would miscarry at the stage I was. I know it is fear and that is not from God but it is something we as a couple are having to face. But I do know that my God has me and will not let go of me.

Really?

After 3 days, I still have a migraine and in half an hour I have a midterm that I do not feel confidant about. For the first time since I started wearing makeup, I can't seem to find the energy to put it on. I know it will be washed off with tears in a matter of minutes anyway but I don't feel like masking my pain right now. I feel awful and can't lie and say I'm fine. I have talked with so many people who have had a miscarriage over the past few days and know there comes a point that this is not my ever consuming thought, I can't imagine that right now.
At this very moment last week I was delivering my son. It was so painful, emotionally and physically but I would go back to that moment to hold him again. I would live with that awful physical pain to not have this emotional pain. I know there is a reason that we are going through this. I may never know what it is in lifetime but I know my God would not put me through this for no reason. That is my lifeline right now. I am holding onto that assurance as if my life depended on it and truly it does. I know it probably hasn't sounded lately as though that is my hope but it is. I still grieve and know that a place in my heart will always hurt for this child but I know my Savior has me in His hands right now and is loving me.
I have to go take my test now but I will continue this later.Or way later as in the next day - oh well. I took the test and have no idea how I did. Usually, I can guess but truly I could have made an F or an A. I made it through my classes though crying at some point in each one. I have one class today and I am done until Monday. If it were not for financial aid I would quit school this semester. But if I do, my financial aid will go back and I will owe the school money I can't pay. So I will stick it out and pray this semester ends soon.
I have never in my life felt this needy,but there is nothing anyone can do for me. We have had people ask but there truly is nothing that can be done. In the tough times in my life, when Ainsley was born and Wade was in Iraq, when my brother died, when my dad died, all of those times I wanted to be with people. I knew that would help me but through this, I don't mind if people come over but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay at home. Well, I guess I am going to lay down now. i just took Ainsley to school and Wade and Renah are still sleeping so I am going to rest now. Thank you for the sweet comments and prayers.

no title

Ok, so I didn't make it to class. I had a migraine on top of everything and I took another day. I know I have to but it is so hard. I am not ready to face people who don't know. I know it sounds crazy but it makes me sad that no one will know him. In order for anyone to know he existed, I have to tell people about him.

Life

Today is my first attempt back in classes. Monday I did go on Ainsley's field trip and was exhausted by the end of it. Monday night Wade said how about we take another day and rest. So we did all day Tuesday we slept. It was nice. I wish I could do it again today. I do not want to go to class. I have a migraine on top of my grief and I don't want to do anything. I know I need to. I have to one of these days. I feel so heavy, each step is a chore. I miss feeling my son move around and change my body. I just want to hold him again.

That which does not kill us...

...sometimes makes us wish it would. No not really, but I really don't want to be any stronger right now. I told my husband that I feel as though I am walking around without skin. I feel that exposed and raw. I will be alright one minute and the next minute a wave of grief will come over me I feel as though I cannot breathe. This hurts so badly. I have to go back to the real world tomorrow. Ainsley has a field trip to the pumpkin patch and I signed up to go. I don't want to disappoint her so I will go. But I have to face people who don't know and try to make it through.
We got out for a little while yesterday to the apple festival down town. I knew I needed to for the girls. It isn't fair to keep them cooped up in the house just because I don't want to go anywhere. I feel as though I would be fine to stay in my jammies and lay on the couch for a few more weeks. But I have tests and presentations and all kinds of junk due. The world goes on through my grief. I feel so appreciative to those who have brought us meals, flowers and cards. But I feel as though I should be able to say something more than thank you. When I had my back surgery, and was physically unable to get up, I didn't feel like I needed to be a hostess when someone came by. But now I feel like I can't get up I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I just need to sit and grieve. I know that is what I am supposed to do but I can't even make an effort to get dressed. I obviosly had to get dressed when we went downtown I don't know what possesed me but I tried on my old jeans and they fit. It is like my body forgot that I was pregnant. It was heartbreaking. I know it doen't make sense everyone wants to get into their old jeans as quickly as possible but it is too soon for me. I feel like most of my grief doesn't make sense.
Last Tuesday night I started bleeding some. I called the dr he said if I wasn't cramping it was probably nothing. I told him I had had some pains for a few weeks but I thought it was ligament stretching so I don't think much about it. He said it probably was. He told me to lie down and come see him in the morning. I already had an appointment, so he told me to keep it but if things go worse during the night to call him back. I was still worried so I called my mil who was a nurse. She told me the same thing. I didn't sleep too well that night and in the morning was still bleeding. I went to my appoinment and saw a female dr. She examined me and tried to get a heartbeat but couldn't. She still didn't seem worried but said she had to get an ultrasound anyway and knew that the longer she didn't get a heartbeat it would just worry me. We went to get the ultrasound down the hall.
The technican found the baby and he wasn't moving, then she put up the heartbeat on the screen and looked at the dr. I started crying as did the doctor. She apoligized and said the baby was dead. I knew as soon as she looked at the doctor. Truth be told I felt something was wrong for awhile. I couldn't explain it so I thought it was me just being paraniod. The doctor said even if I had come in there wasn't anything they could have done but I had that I didn't trust my instincts. Everything that wasn't normal could be explained as normal. Weird things happen during pregnancy and most of the time is normal.
We told the girls when they got home the next day. They too have had good moments and bad. My youngest suprised me at how emotional she has been and at how compassionate towards me she has been. She and her sister were arguing and Renah came to me and asked,"mommy, am I still a big sister?" I told her she would always be a big sister. She went back to insley and said " see I told you!" She was so excited about being a big sister and she is just not in the way she had hoped or I had hoped for that matter. I know this has been a long post but I think I needed to get it out today. Thank you.

Thank you

I have felt the love and prayers from so many people calling and checking on us. I really appreciate everything and hopefully soon will feel up to a longer post. We are just staying around the house grieving and cuddling. Again, thank you.

My baby

I got home a few hours ago and am still woozy from the medicine. My baby was a little boy. We named him Mishael Hannaniah it means "Who is equal to our God" and "The Lord gives grace". He was 5 inches long and 1.7 ounces. They said from the size of him he has been gone about 2 weeks. Thank you for you prayers, they are doing more than you know.

sadness

It is 6:30 in the morning. I will be leaving for the hospital in a few moments. I found out yesterday that at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. I have to go deliver my baby soon. Please pray for us.

An ode to Autumn

Oh fall, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
I love the pumpkin spice lattes and frapachinos at Starbucks
I love the crisp air
I love the smell of the air
I love the beautiful colors in nature and fashion
I love the boots
I love love love Thanksgiving!
and oh so much more but really I am sounding like a dork! So I'm not the only dork, leave comments about your favorite season and why you love it. Fall puts me in such a good mood! I have a date with hubby tonight and am so excited and tomorrow is the pumpkin patch - yet another good reason to love fall! Have a great fall day!

He's fine, just forgetful!

So hubby made it home at 10 minutes to 2 this morning, or 10 minutes to me calling the police! I was so worried! Where the show is being held is in the middle of farmland and everything was running through my head. Turns out, he and a couple of people got into a theological debate and b/c he is usually out late on show nights he didn't think I would worry. The guy he was with assured me tonight they would not do that again! He will be home late tonight anyway b/c they are striking the set. The girls and I went to the matinee this afternoon. Why oh why do I keep thinking the girls will sit through a show? They love going to shows but don't like having to be still and quiet for it! So I am always frazzled by the end of a show. I don't know about you but I am not ready for a new week to start. Weekends get shorter and shorter every week. The girls ate after the show and I wasn't hungry now I am and KFC sounds really good right now. I wish there were more places in this town that delivered. I guess that is what happens when you live in a small town - pizza delivery only! I am just trying to talk myself out of KFC so I don't have to get the girls out but I don't think it is going to work. Well, I hope your weekend was great and your week is even greater.Bye!

Waiting

Why yes, I am up late. Thanks for noticing. I am waiting for my hubby to get home. I guess his phone is dead and the show has been over for awhile. So I can't sleep as I am worried about him. I feel like I had o worry about him enough while he was in Iraq, I don't want to have to worry about him here but I do. I just wish he would call and let me know he is ok!
While I wait with my migraine coming on from being so tired,I will tell you about my day. Laundry anyone? We were embarrassingly behind on laundry. We had piles of it by the laundry room so I stayed home all day and did laundry until I could see that floor. So glad that is done only to have the girls get ready for bath and give me more laundry! I still have to clean the rest of the house, I didn't want to get too involved in cleaning today b/c I wanted to be able to fold the laundry right as it came out of the dryer so it wouldn't just sit there as it normally does. So I just did some picking up in between loads so I wouldn't have so many things going at once. Exciting day, huh?
Last night I went grocery shopping. I haven't done a big shopping trip in forever! On the way to the store my ever logical youngest child made me laugh. She was saying she was going to have 5 babies and 5 kids (10 children total). The she said she was going to have 3 husbands. I asked her why she wanted more than one husband, without a pause she said," momma, I'm going to have 5 babies and 5 kids, I will need help rocking!" I thought I was going to loose it! I told her that when she had kids I would help her rock her babies so she wouldn't have to have so many husbands! It amazes me sometimes that she is only 3. Well, I am going to get some crackers and watch some more tv while I wait. I hope everything is alright!

In the land of no titles...

I am seriously lacking creativity to come up with a title. We have had a busy week, on Saturday, Wade and I took the girls to the apple orchard. We got there and thought it was a complete bust b/c they said the tractor left and wouldn't go again for about 2 hours. The store was cute but not 2 hours worth! Thankfully, the tractor had not left yet and we were able to take a tour of the orchard. We were not able to pick our own apples though, they were in the store to be bought. It was fun, the girls enjoyed the dogs that ran beside the trailer more than the apple orchard I think! We bought a bushel of apples for $11 - what a steal! They ended up being very sour but that is how Wade likes them and those are great to bake with!
We have all been battling with colds and allergies and as soon as the weather changes, I get so many migraines. I have had one for 3 days now. Thankfully, it has been a mild one, but 3 days is a bit much! We have church tonight so I just did some cooking for it. We serve a meal before service so we are usually busy on Wednesdays. Wade was so sweet this morning, he skipped his morning class to take Ainsley to school so I could sleep some more. It was very appreciated!
Renah is funny, when she wakes up in the mornings, there is a tiny window that you can get her back to sleep. So on the days that I take Ainsley and Wade doesn't have to be anywhere, I can take Renah to our bed. She protests but only for a minute then she is out! Well, I need to finish making the egg salad sandwiches so we can get going. Have a good evening!

I guess I pushed the button that said I have nothing but time!

So, I am seriously in need of a phone upgrade. My phone is so sad looking. The black paint is all scratched off, the part of the phone that flips is coming off, and many other things. So I call AT&T, formerly Cingular, formerly AT&T and Cingular and was put in circles for a whopping 85 minutes! I thought my head was going to explode. I had to get my husband's phone replaced which got done in about 30 min. Only about 7 min of person talk time. The rest of time was spent on hold for his phone then they told me to go online for my problem. So I did while I was on the phone for Wade's phone so I could multitask.
Online, they won't let me upgrade so when they came back to the phone I asked to be transferred again to check on my phone. The woman on the phone said b/c I couldn't get them online I could speak with someone in sales to get the online prices so she transfers me. 35 min later, the guy gets on the phone and is telling me that b/c there is a problem with my premier account, he cannot get my info to come up correctly and will have to submit a ticket which will take about a week to fix. Then askes for a work email address, I inform him Wade and I are both students and don't have a job, which he then replies,"Then they won't fix it, you have to have a work email address." I am thinking he is kidding but nope very serious! I told him I really miss Cingular b/c they never had issues like this. Wade will be calling back to try and get this taken care of. I was so irritated! 85 minutes of my day gone and no phone to show for it!
The worst part is for us, this has been the best company (again before they merged) Sprint was awful as was Verizon! GRRR! Well, I hae a ginormous test tomorrow so I have to study!

Busy lives!

Well, I have a couple of minutes. Ok, not really, I should be cleaning my messy house or studying for my Physical Science Test I have on Friday! But instead, I am waiting on my girls to finish their snack so we can lay down for a bit. We are helping start a new ministry in our church to local college kids. Since there is the community college and Lee, there are quite a few college kids here. But b/c we have little ones and will be out late, they need to rest before we go. So if you think about us, pray for this new ministry starting and for my family that God stretch our daily housr to encompass all we need to fit into 24 hours!
We had our first ultrasound Monday. I checked Ainsley out a couple of hours early so she could go with us. The girls were so excited. We got a few really good pictures and so far everything looks good! 7 more weeks until they do the next one, we should be able to find out the gender then. That seems like forever away! Hope you all have a great day!

It's a girl!

No, not my baby! It's too early for that! So who is a girl? Miley, our new shelter rescue dog! She is about a 2 year old basenji - beagle mix. She is housebroken (except for one accident), does not bark, and very gentle. We have been rying to go look at dogs at this shelter for a few weeks but it is always closed, we finally found it open and I took the girls. We had been talking about getting a dog but not too seriously.
We went in there and there were 2 dogs. One was a big, loud, hyper dog - instant no, then there was Sandy (she never answered to that name so we changed it) We got her out to play with her and Renah - little miss scared of nearly every dog known to man- fell in love with her! The dog at one point jumped on her and she laughed! I told them we would talk to daddy. So we went and picked him up from class and took him there. They told us we could always bring the dog back and get the money back if she didn't work for us. We left and talked about it, Wade had another class but told me to go back and get her and we would try her out.
We have had a couple a issues which can be expected. She runs out if a door is open and is really hard to catch. We didn't want to leave her going though the whole house for the couple of hours we weren't there so we put her in the bathoom - she chewed the base boards. We don't have to leave her but about 5 hours a week. Otherwise, I take her and Renah to meet Wade when I have a class and visa versa. She has been really good for Renah with Ainsley being in kindergarten. She is a very sweet dog and I think is fitting in well with us. I am hoping she stays sweet, and good natured! Have a good day!

I have no title

Sorry, I really can't think of a title for the blog! Is it really almost September? This has been a big month! I turned 30, I quit my job to become a full time student, and my baby started kindergarten! It has been crazy. So far my classes are going pretty well, my favorite is my counseling class. I am taking that class as an elective since I am getting my degree in education.
The only reason I am getting the education degree is that I am so close to finishing that one, my masters will be in counseling. One of my professors said something in class that struck me. She said, that when you know you are in the field you are supposed to be in it will not feel like work. Even the classes won't feel like drudgery. Right now that is how I feel about my education courses - drudgery! I am doing it because it is the way I feel I should go to make things easier for me but I love my counseling course. I have always loved the psychology classes I took. I wish I had listened to that voice inside when I was younger but at least I realized before I started teaching. I feel that one should not teach if it is not in their heart. The kids will know!
Ok, off my soap box! Right now I am enjoying a little bit of me time. My hubby and girls are napping and I am watching a Hallmark movie and blogging - jealous? Hubby just got up and made it all the way to the chair and fell back asleep! So I am going to stop this for today and I hope you all have a wonderful Labor Day!

Trust

That is something I am working on with God. It was a difficult decision to quit my job and become a full time student because as most of you know, my husband too is a full time student. So now here we are, two full time students with two small children who grow out of clothes and shoes quickly and another one on the way with no real income! But I feel God has been preparing me. Recently, I have "stumbled " across blogs of people trusting God through horrible circumstances and He never let them fall. Sunday night, I heard a minister share his experiences of miracles even witnessing his own daughter come back to life. I am not dumb enough to consider all of this a coincidence, I know God is showing me He is going to take care of us and I am daily ignoring my flesh and looking to God to show me how He is going to take care of us.

I once told Wade I know God was testing me when I had to go through the birth of our first child by myself. I have always felt like I failed that test horribly! I couldn't understand why a loving caring God would allow that. I know there are so many worse things that could have happened to us, but that was very difficult for me at the time. I do feel so much stronger than I did then but I don't want to feel like I have failed the test we are going through now! So if you think about it, pray for my family as we hit some trials. Pray that we will not look to our surroundings for our answers but to our Lord. He can make every dollar stretch and every tank of gas last longer than it should. I know He has opened this door for us and will not let us fall.

College days

My first few days of classes have gone pretty well. I still need to buy most of my books but they are soooo expensive! Ainsley had her first day of kindergarten with all the kids. She was nervous with all the new kids there. She was so brave though, she looked like she wanted to cry but she didn't. It nearly broke my heart. Renah did not want to leave. She kept saying, "I want to stay in kindergarten!" I felt so bad for her! So I am trying to think of fun, free things to do with Renah in between classes. I really want her with me but I feel bad she doesn't have anything to do such as a preschool. I will try and keep up with this as much as I can but the problem I have at the moment is that Wade and I have to share the computer until we can get one for me as well. This should be interesting! Have a great day!

Nothing much going on

Wow, this may top the charts at most boring blog ever! Then why write? you may ask, I too am bored. I have gone through my list of daily blogs and I'm done. Registration is going on right now and b/c tomorrow is my last day I am answering phones. I am really suprised the phone is not ringing off the hook. So what do you do when you are bored. If I were home I would be able to clean my oh so messy house.
I didn't do anything this weekend b/c I worked all day Saturday for new student orientation. I got home and took a two hour nap, then spent the evening with my girls and went back to bed as soon as I could. Sunday we went to church, came home and took a nap and went back to church. I put a load of laundry on before I went to bed last night because I had nothing to wear today. So I will go home after work and probably take another nap!
Classes begin on Wednesday and I am really nervous. I am too old for this! On one hand it may be easier I won't be distracted by boys! So if you think about it this week, send up a prayer for me as we begin this new schedule. It will be a tough adjustment but hopefully worth it in the end!

Her first day

I have got to start putting pictures up and maybe when (if ) I get my own computer I will be able to. Today was Ainsley "phase- in" day for kindergarten. I made it through without her seeing me cry but 2 steps out the door and I lost it! She was excited but a little nervous. While I was fixing her hair she said, "Mommy, I am not going to know what to do at school" I told her that everyone was new and would all learn together. She was satified with that answer. I am so proud of her but I wish we didn't have to do this yet! Wasn't it last week she learned to walk? Where has the time with my baby gone? I had better stop or will start bawling all over again. I just pray her day was good!

The Trip

I have been back at work for about 4 days now but have been really busy with school about to start. The phonecalls are endless! We had a good weekend but I really don't like sleeping outside! I enjoy the cooking out(ok, my husband cooking out), the fires, and the other things that go with it but I hate hate hate sleeping outside! Mostly because I am a big scaredy cat and jump at every scuffle sound and am sure there is a large bear, any other wild animal, or a crazy person outside my tent ready to strike!

We stayed as close as possible to the bathroom because we have 2 little girls who have to pee every 10 minutes and if they mention it, then I have to go as well! And we wanted to be close enough to be able to watch the girls go on their own because it makes them feel like big girls. There was a family bathroom that only had the one stall so I felt ok letting them go in there by themselves.

The first night we had our nice big air mattress and we were ready for bed. But a couple of hours into the night, Wade moved and was catipulted into him. Our feet we several inches above our heads and I couldn't get back to my side of the bed. I would almost get comfotable again and Wade would move and again I would be thrown over on him. At one point when that happened I was comfortable but Wade said his neck was at a weird angle so I had to move. Ainsley woke up at about 3 to go to the bathroom and I made Wade take her because again I am a big scaredy cat then realized I too had to go. So I made Wade stand outside the tent to wait for me! We took the air mattress back to the bathroom to blow it up again (which did not stay up!)
We struggled for the next few hours to sleep and finally as the sun was coming up i moved to the end of the matress and laid across Wade's feet. That acually seemed to even things out a bit and we were able to sleep for a couple of hours. We had 2 birthday parties we had already commited to on Saturday so we headed down the mountain to sleepily go but a present and get to the party. Can you guess what else we bought? Yep! A brand new air mattress! Which did work much better.

Renah is like me - terrified of bugs! I was trying so hard to be brave but Renah didn't care she screamed every time she saw a cricket or a "recipie" (that is what she called the centipede). Ainsley was so great she would step on them or take them away from us. Such the brave girl! All in all it was a relaxing weekend but I am really trying to convince the girls that hotels are really THE vacation spot! Well, I have my first OB appt in a few minutes so I am going to get my things together. have a good day!

Long weekend

I am taking a few days off to rest a bit before beging classes so I get a 5 day weekend! Woo Hoo! We are going camping. Now, if you know me, you know I am not an outdoorsy girl at all! But Wade and the girls love it so I thought we could try it again. It actually shouldn't be too bad, the weather will be in the 80's all weekend, Wade will do the cooking b/c I don't cook over open flames, and we will be beside the lake with a beach area the girls love to play in. So we will have a few days of no phone, internet, tv ( can I really make it?), just reading and relaxing. Hopefully no wild animals! Talk to you next week!

I did it

Well, after kicking, screaming, pouting, denial, anger and all those other steps I realized there is no turning back. I turned 30 today. This is a big one and I am nervous. Here I am 30, pregnant, and going back to school full time - crazy right? I have been reflecting over the last 10 years. In my 20's so many things happened, I met Wade, he joined the army, we got married, we moved to Italy, I had my first and second child, we lived in 10 different houses, we got out of the army, and the list goes on and on. I finished my 20's with a 5 year old, a 3 year old and one on the way. I will finish my 30's with a 15 year old, 13 year old and 9 year old. That is insane!
I was also thinking about my brother through my reflecting. My brother was 11 years older than me and when he tuned 30, I let him have it. I made a copy of his key and decorated his house in gravestones and black balloons. I decorated his car, and made him a cake shaped like a gravestone saying "RIP to Glen's childhood." It was a blast and he told me one day he would return the favor. He had a heart attack and died at the age of 37. He left behind 4 kids. Today, I miss him like I never have before because I know no matter how far apart we would have been, he would have done something crazy to me today.
But I am trying not to let this big birthday get me down and enjoy what the next 10 years will bring. So I hope you all have had a great day and have a great week!

Hormones and phone calls

That is a great mix! Right now is the super busy time at work plus we have thrown a few more things in the mix just for fun so the phone are ringing off the hook! I cannot take much more of people calling because they did not read something and want me to tell them what it says. I really should start adding a disclaimer when I answer the phone "I'm pregnant and hormonal, do you really feel like you should be calling?" Grr it is so frusterating! Sorry I had to get that out!
I had the worst soup at lunch today. It was the mexican chicken tortilla soup from Campbell's Healthy Request line. Don't buy it! I managed to get down about 3 bites and threw the rest away I could not handle any more. Now I am hungry and am going to look for a snack. On a good note, I have had 72 ounces of water today and am about to go get another 24 ounces. I got a new bottle for my water and I don't know if it's the straw or the pretty pink color but I am drinking tons of water. So much so that I don't feel guilty about the occasional soda or sweet tea. It's Thursday and tomorrow's Friday! Woo hoo!!! I don't think we are doing much this weekend but it a couple of days off and that is always exciting! Well, if I don't hear from you have a great weekend!

Nothing creative

I felt like blogging but don't really have much to say. I am so tired I can barely keep my head up! We had a good weekend but it was not nearly long enough! I hope you all are doing well and have a great week! Sorry about such a shourt boring post but like I said right now i have nothing to say!