Well, the semester is finally over. I am pretty sure I bombed my physical science final. But I am unable to care. I made it through the semester and that is all that matters right now. I feel I have had to put my grieving on hold to make it through, but I am still so sad. I am having such a hard time right now b/c I have made myself go on and push through to get to the end of the semester and the past few days I have felt more of what feels like baby movement again. That is so hard. Last night I even tried to feel it from the outside to see if I could get Wade to feel it as well to prove to myself I am not crazy. I couldn't of course so I didn't get Wade to try.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant by now. It is difficult to see pregnant women. I am not jealous or angry that they are pregnant, just sad that I am not. We are thinking of trying again soon. I have said before I am not trying to replace Mishael, but I do want a baby. I will never forget how happy I was while pregnant nor will I forget the misery I have gone through since finding out he was gone, but I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet. And I know that when we feel we are done having children, my family still will not be complete until we are reunited in heaven. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense.
When I started this blog, I just did it for me and anyone who would read. I still don't know who all reads it, but it has been so beneficial for me. I met someone at a Christmas party the other night. He works at the counseling center at the school, Wade was talking to him and called me over. 18 years ago, when his wife was 39 weeks pregnant they found out that the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and she had died. He asked how I was and I of course started crying. He told me that just that week he had found his wife lying in bed crying because she missed Emily. He told me to come by anytime to talk to him if I wanted and I thought about it and might, but I really get out so many of my feelings here.
I know it would probably be good but I don't know if I am ready to share my grief face to face yet. That sounds crazy I know, but writing it down as I can is different than going to someone and telling them how I hate this happened and how much I miss him. Either way nothing changes the fact that he is gone. Well, this was not what I intended to write about , but that is the beauty of it. I can write what comes out and you can choose not to read it if you like. But if you did get this far, have a good day.