I was in a store Nov 1st, the day after Halloween, and what do I hear but Christmas music! While I love Christmas music and decorations and such, I love Thanksgiving. I understand that Thanksgiving does not bring the stores the money that Halloween and Christmas do, but it is a holiday none the less and should not be forgotten. It is a time we celebrate our religious freedom and how this country got started. I tried a new design on my blog, but lost some things I had done on the page but that is ok, I like the Thanksgiving theme.
I did not have class today and that was nice. I wanted to clean all day but when I got home from taking Ainsley to school I laid back down- I was so tired. I did get some things done but not everything I wanted done. I think I set unreal expectiations sometimes. I have been feeling so overwhelmed since losing my baby and have had such a hard time keeping up with the house and schoolwork. I can't seem to find the energy or the desire to try and get everything done. I am trying but just can't yet. But I knew that if I could clean up today, it would help some.
I was in my counseling class yesterday, we had to ge with someone we don't know well and do some mock counseling. I was not looking forward to it and when I sat down with the girl, we started talking. The assignment was to try out a certain technique and discuss some problem we have or something we have been going through. The whole time I was the "counselor" I was trying to figure out how to discuss something without crying. I didn't make it two words so I told her when happened. I was embarrased because I really didn't want to bring her down and make the whole thing about me.
I talked to Wade afterwards and he told me not to be embarrassed about it because it is a real problem and is something they will need to work with if they become a counselor. Part of me knew that but did not want to break down in class again. Well, I did not mean for this post to be this long. I need to go to sleep - it's 1 in the morning, but I has tea for dinner and the caffeine is keeping me up. Blogging is better than laying here trying to sleep, so maybe I will type for swhile longer. When I started blogging I had no real reason except just to journal, but I am so thankful I did, this is very therapeutic. And even if no one reads it but me, it is good to get all of these emotions out.
I feel God has had His hand on so many things even the small things such as starting a blog and reading others that have helped grow my faith. I started reading the Audrey Caroline blog a few months before I got pregnant. Hearing her story has strengthened me and helped me in my journey. When I was sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to get the ultrasound, God brought back to my rememberance the time she wrote about her ultrasound when she found out about her baby's illness. She said to the technichian, "God is still God and He is still on the throne" That is what I kept repeating to myself while I sat there. I knew something was not right, but until the bleeding began I had no proof. But my God is amazing and loves me enough to teach me things before I need them.
He is showing me His love more and more every day. He shows me in so many ways and through people, especially my husband. He is such an amazing husband and has been here for me and my emotions over the past 3 weeks. I feel bad because I don't feel I have been there for him like he has been there for me, but he just keeps giving to me and letting me deal my grief. I am so thankful for him. Well, I am going to attempt sleep now. Goodnight.