Wednesday, November 5, 2008

And through it all life goes on...

Experiencing my brother's and father's death did not prepare me for the grief I am feeling with the loss of my Mishael. The world keeps moving and I am grieving. School work still comes due, bills still have to be paid, the house still needs to be cleaned (seriously - my house is a mess). The world doesn't stop for grief. I want it to, I don't want to have to be responsible for anything right now but that is not possible.
I am so thankful for the children I have but miss the child that is gone. I believe a loss of a child is horrible, no matter the amount of children one has. Someone said, "at least it wasn't your first child, you have 2 others". I know what I am missing by this child not being here in my tummy and later in our lives. I know the good and the bad- late nights, early mornings, first smiles, laughs, hugs and kisses of a child. If this were my first I wouldn't know what I was missing but would know that I was missing something amazing. Looking at both sides I don't believe either one has it "easier".
I have also had some, "aside from that how are you?" Right now there isn't an aside from that, that is all I feel right now. I know people are trying to help but they can't it is something I must deal with in my own time. Wednesdays and Thursdays are especially tough. Wednesday was the day I found out and Thursday is the day I delievered him. I am having a hard time with being involved right now. I have always been one to volunteer for things and usually stretch myself too thin but love it, right now, I don't enjoy voluteering. I am having a hard enough time with what has to be done. I am trying so hard though not to make people feel uncomfortable in my grief. A friend told me to be as selfish as I want right now, it is about Wade and I no one else. Life is like standing at an escalator trying to step on, you know if you want to get up you have to but you are scared, life is going on around me sooner or later I have to get back on. I just don't think it will be sooner.

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