Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ignorance is Bliss

That was a thought I had when I was going home after I delivered my son. They had told us it looked as though he had been gone for 2 weeks. I had carried around my son who was no longer living but had no idea - ignorance is bliss. Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment. After the birth my doctor said she could not see a reason this happened; she didn't tell us but sent a sample of my son's skin to pathology to see if they could find a reason. She wanted to give me a reason as badly as we wanted one. Yesterday, with tears in her eyes she said, " I'm sorry but they couldn't find a reason, I wanted so badly to give you a reason."
Later she explained another reason she had the baby tested is because we have 2 healthy girls and when our son died without a reason, there can be reasons in the genetics. They ran a ton of tests on me and took 8 tubes of blood. There could be a clotting issue with me or a disorder on the x chromosome because the girls have two x's they would be fine but the one x could have caused death, or an issue with me thyroid or a few other things with long explanations.
The good news is that if any of those come up in the testing, they can give me something so it would not happen again. The bad news is if nothing comes back, there is no telling what happened. At this point, I truly don't know which would be harder to hear - there is no reason or there was a reason and all you need is this... Each has difficulties.
I am so blessed to have the doctor I do. The way that office works is you see all the doctors and then you can choose which one you want to keep but if your doctor is not on call then you will at least know the delievering doctor. That was my day to see her. I know God had planned on me being with her on that particular day.
Wade and I have talked about this recently and truly feel this is an attack from the devil. A few months ago we were constantly bickering and couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything. After a few weeks of this, Wade said," Have you noticed since we said yes to the call of ministry, we have been attacked in our relationship?" I had not put a timeline on it but obviously had noticed how hard things were. We decided we were not going to be blind to it, we were going to fight it.
Right now, Wade and I are closer than we have been in a long time. We are holding on to each other and the promises of God like never before. We hate being separated and while that has always been the case, it is something we got used to with his deployments. Now, we have a hard time going to class without each other. We miss each other's company too much. But it hasn't been just since losing our baby, we got closer before this, this has cememted it.
But God was not suprised by this, He knew and had been preparing us in our relationship, in things I had read, etc. He is hurting with us and crying with us but he is also feeding us and preparing us for what comes next. Nothing happens without God's knowledge and consent. Do I think God took my son? Absolutely not! I believe satan wanted to destroy us and since he couldn't destroy what Wade and I have he decided to attack something we could do nothing about. Does know all this make this any easier? No! But in the midst of our pain, we have hope and trust God with everything is us that good is coming from this.
We don't know what that will be, whether a ministry for other parents who have lost children or what. There is a need for it. I know that my dad is holding my son and Wade says teaching him to play instruments (my dad was a talented musician)He and my brother are playing with him but I so wish that we could here on earth. May God give you the hope you have been seeking.

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