All but one of Wade's professors have experienced a miscarriage and are very compassionate. One is getting us a book called I'll Hold you in Heaven. They have said they hope no one has said the things they said to them. Some people said really heartless things about their grief mostly it wasn't a real baby so why are you grieving. That shocked and appalled me. How could anyone say that to someone who did lose a child. I don't care if you were 3 weeks pregnant or your child is 80, he/she is a child to someone and is grieved. The pictures of my son are the pictures of a baby. Though small he had his eyes, nose, mouth, ears, ten fingers and toes. He was beautiful and I miss him I even think I still feel him moving inside of me sometimes.
But Wade and I have had nothing but kindness from so many people. On the Wednesday I found out that my son had died, I had 2 checks in my purse that I was going to take to the bank after my appointment. Obviously we did not go there and quickly forgot about them until a couple of days ago when we noticed a couple of overdraft fees and realized the checks were still in my purse. We went to the bank and I went inside to try and explain. We needed that money back and as much as I did not want to go in there I knew I should.
I went to a teller and asked for a supervisor, she asked me what I needed and I told her what happened. She apologized and said she would get someone. When she came back she came up to me and hugged me and said " I am so sorry and am praying for you." I went to the supervisors office and she came up to me and hugged me with tears in her eyes and apologized. She took care of the overdraft fees without a problem and when she came back after depositing the checks she asked," Do you mind if I pray with you?" ( can you tell I live in a small town?) I told her it would be nice. She prayed a beautiful prayer and then began to ask me questions about my baby and let me sit there and talk about him. It was so sweet and comforting. She cried with me. I know I have sat and cried with people I knew that have been through this and other situations, I always felt I might be making them feel worse but am an easy crier and can't turn it off. But I now know that having someone sit and feel your pain so much they cry with you means the world to one who is struggling.
At the end of her prayer she prayed, " And God when it's your time, give them another child, not to take this one's place but to fill her arms again" It was beautiful. I do know I want at least one more child, it is not to take the place of this baby and as I told my husband, I could have 10 more children but would always be missing one. Every family photo, holiday meal, and every day I will look at my children and know that one is not here with me and will miss him forever. At the same time I am so scared to attempt another pregnancy. I have looked up the stats and know that after a miscarriage 90% go on to have a full term pregnancy. But 10% sound like too much to not have a full term pregnancy, after all there was only a 3% chance I would miscarry at the stage I was. I know it is fear and that is not from God but it is something we as a couple are having to face. But I do know that my God has me and will not let go of me.