Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ignorance is Bliss

That was a thought I had when I was going home after I delivered my son. They had told us it looked as though he had been gone for 2 weeks. I had carried around my son who was no longer living but had no idea - ignorance is bliss. Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment. After the birth my doctor said she could not see a reason this happened; she didn't tell us but sent a sample of my son's skin to pathology to see if they could find a reason. She wanted to give me a reason as badly as we wanted one. Yesterday, with tears in her eyes she said, " I'm sorry but they couldn't find a reason, I wanted so badly to give you a reason."
Later she explained another reason she had the baby tested is because we have 2 healthy girls and when our son died without a reason, there can be reasons in the genetics. They ran a ton of tests on me and took 8 tubes of blood. There could be a clotting issue with me or a disorder on the x chromosome because the girls have two x's they would be fine but the one x could have caused death, or an issue with me thyroid or a few other things with long explanations.
The good news is that if any of those come up in the testing, they can give me something so it would not happen again. The bad news is if nothing comes back, there is no telling what happened. At this point, I truly don't know which would be harder to hear - there is no reason or there was a reason and all you need is this... Each has difficulties.
I am so blessed to have the doctor I do. The way that office works is you see all the doctors and then you can choose which one you want to keep but if your doctor is not on call then you will at least know the delievering doctor. That was my day to see her. I know God had planned on me being with her on that particular day.
Wade and I have talked about this recently and truly feel this is an attack from the devil. A few months ago we were constantly bickering and couldn't seem to see eye to eye on anything. After a few weeks of this, Wade said," Have you noticed since we said yes to the call of ministry, we have been attacked in our relationship?" I had not put a timeline on it but obviously had noticed how hard things were. We decided we were not going to be blind to it, we were going to fight it.
Right now, Wade and I are closer than we have been in a long time. We are holding on to each other and the promises of God like never before. We hate being separated and while that has always been the case, it is something we got used to with his deployments. Now, we have a hard time going to class without each other. We miss each other's company too much. But it hasn't been just since losing our baby, we got closer before this, this has cememted it.
But God was not suprised by this, He knew and had been preparing us in our relationship, in things I had read, etc. He is hurting with us and crying with us but he is also feeding us and preparing us for what comes next. Nothing happens without God's knowledge and consent. Do I think God took my son? Absolutely not! I believe satan wanted to destroy us and since he couldn't destroy what Wade and I have he decided to attack something we could do nothing about. Does know all this make this any easier? No! But in the midst of our pain, we have hope and trust God with everything is us that good is coming from this.
We don't know what that will be, whether a ministry for other parents who have lost children or what. There is a need for it. I know that my dad is holding my son and Wade says teaching him to play instruments (my dad was a talented musician)He and my brother are playing with him but I so wish that we could here on earth. May God give you the hope you have been seeking.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The kindness of strangers

All but one of Wade's professors have experienced a miscarriage and are very compassionate. One is getting us a book called I'll Hold you in Heaven. They have said they hope no one has said the things they said to them. Some people said really heartless things about their grief mostly it wasn't a real baby so why are you grieving. That shocked and appalled me. How could anyone say that to someone who did lose a child. I don't care if you were 3 weeks pregnant or your child is 80, he/she is a child to someone and is grieved. The pictures of my son are the pictures of a baby. Though small he had his eyes, nose, mouth, ears, ten fingers and toes. He was beautiful and I miss him I even think I still feel him moving inside of me sometimes.
But Wade and I have had nothing but kindness from so many people. On the Wednesday I found out that my son had died, I had 2 checks in my purse that I was going to take to the bank after my appointment. Obviously we did not go there and quickly forgot about them until a couple of days ago when we noticed a couple of overdraft fees and realized the checks were still in my purse. We went to the bank and I went inside to try and explain. We needed that money back and as much as I did not want to go in there I knew I should.
I went to a teller and asked for a supervisor, she asked me what I needed and I told her what happened. She apologized and said she would get someone. When she came back she came up to me and hugged me and said " I am so sorry and am praying for you." I went to the supervisors office and she came up to me and hugged me with tears in her eyes and apologized. She took care of the overdraft fees without a problem and when she came back after depositing the checks she asked," Do you mind if I pray with you?" ( can you tell I live in a small town?) I told her it would be nice. She prayed a beautiful prayer and then began to ask me questions about my baby and let me sit there and talk about him. It was so sweet and comforting. She cried with me. I know I have sat and cried with people I knew that have been through this and other situations, I always felt I might be making them feel worse but am an easy crier and can't turn it off. But I now know that having someone sit and feel your pain so much they cry with you means the world to one who is struggling.
At the end of her prayer she prayed, " And God when it's your time, give them another child, not to take this one's place but to fill her arms again" It was beautiful. I do know I want at least one more child, it is not to take the place of this baby and as I told my husband, I could have 10 more children but would always be missing one. Every family photo, holiday meal, and every day I will look at my children and know that one is not here with me and will miss him forever. At the same time I am so scared to attempt another pregnancy. I have looked up the stats and know that after a miscarriage 90% go on to have a full term pregnancy. But 10% sound like too much to not have a full term pregnancy, after all there was only a 3% chance I would miscarry at the stage I was. I know it is fear and that is not from God but it is something we as a couple are having to face. But I do know that my God has me and will not let go of me.

Thursday, October 23, 2008


After 3 days, I still have a migraine and in half an hour I have a midterm that I do not feel confidant about. For the first time since I started wearing makeup, I can't seem to find the energy to put it on. I know it will be washed off with tears in a matter of minutes anyway but I don't feel like masking my pain right now. I feel awful and can't lie and say I'm fine. I have talked with so many people who have had a miscarriage over the past few days and know there comes a point that this is not my ever consuming thought, I can't imagine that right now.
At this very moment last week I was delivering my son. It was so painful, emotionally and physically but I would go back to that moment to hold him again. I would live with that awful physical pain to not have this emotional pain. I know there is a reason that we are going through this. I may never know what it is in lifetime but I know my God would not put me through this for no reason. That is my lifeline right now. I am holding onto that assurance as if my life depended on it and truly it does. I know it probably hasn't sounded lately as though that is my hope but it is. I still grieve and know that a place in my heart will always hurt for this child but I know my Savior has me in His hands right now and is loving me.
I have to go take my test now but I will continue this later.Or way later as in the next day - oh well. I took the test and have no idea how I did. Usually, I can guess but truly I could have made an F or an A. I made it through my classes though crying at some point in each one. I have one class today and I am done until Monday. If it were not for financial aid I would quit school this semester. But if I do, my financial aid will go back and I will owe the school money I can't pay. So I will stick it out and pray this semester ends soon.
I have never in my life felt this needy,but there is nothing anyone can do for me. We have had people ask but there truly is nothing that can be done. In the tough times in my life, when Ainsley was born and Wade was in Iraq, when my brother died, when my dad died, all of those times I wanted to be with people. I knew that would help me but through this, I don't mind if people come over but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay at home. Well, I guess I am going to lay down now. i just took Ainsley to school and Wade and Renah are still sleeping so I am going to rest now. Thank you for the sweet comments and prayers.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

no title

Ok, so I didn't make it to class. I had a migraine on top of everything and I took another day. I know I have to but it is so hard. I am not ready to face people who don't know. I know it sounds crazy but it makes me sad that no one will know him. In order for anyone to know he existed, I have to tell people about him.


Today is my first attempt back in classes. Monday I did go on Ainsley's field trip and was exhausted by the end of it. Monday night Wade said how about we take another day and rest. So we did all day Tuesday we slept. It was nice. I wish I could do it again today. I do not want to go to class. I have a migraine on top of my grief and I don't want to do anything. I know I need to. I have to one of these days. I feel so heavy, each step is a chore. I miss feeling my son move around and change my body. I just want to hold him again.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

That which does not kill us...

...sometimes makes us wish it would. No not really, but I really don't want to be any stronger right now. I told my husband that I feel as though I am walking around without skin. I feel that exposed and raw. I will be alright one minute and the next minute a wave of grief will come over me I feel as though I cannot breathe. This hurts so badly. I have to go back to the real world tomorrow. Ainsley has a field trip to the pumpkin patch and I signed up to go. I don't want to disappoint her so I will go. But I have to face people who don't know and try to make it through.
We got out for a little while yesterday to the apple festival down town. I knew I needed to for the girls. It isn't fair to keep them cooped up in the house just because I don't want to go anywhere. I feel as though I would be fine to stay in my jammies and lay on the couch for a few more weeks. But I have tests and presentations and all kinds of junk due. The world goes on through my grief. I feel so appreciative to those who have brought us meals, flowers and cards. But I feel as though I should be able to say something more than thank you. When I had my back surgery, and was physically unable to get up, I didn't feel like I needed to be a hostess when someone came by. But now I feel like I can't get up I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I just need to sit and grieve. I know that is what I am supposed to do but I can't even make an effort to get dressed. I obviosly had to get dressed when we went downtown I don't know what possesed me but I tried on my old jeans and they fit. It is like my body forgot that I was pregnant. It was heartbreaking. I know it doen't make sense everyone wants to get into their old jeans as quickly as possible but it is too soon for me. I feel like most of my grief doesn't make sense.
Last Tuesday night I started bleeding some. I called the dr he said if I wasn't cramping it was probably nothing. I told him I had had some pains for a few weeks but I thought it was ligament stretching so I don't think much about it. He said it probably was. He told me to lie down and come see him in the morning. I already had an appointment, so he told me to keep it but if things go worse during the night to call him back. I was still worried so I called my mil who was a nurse. She told me the same thing. I didn't sleep too well that night and in the morning was still bleeding. I went to my appoinment and saw a female dr. She examined me and tried to get a heartbeat but couldn't. She still didn't seem worried but said she had to get an ultrasound anyway and knew that the longer she didn't get a heartbeat it would just worry me. We went to get the ultrasound down the hall.
The technican found the baby and he wasn't moving, then she put up the heartbeat on the screen and looked at the dr. I started crying as did the doctor. She apoligized and said the baby was dead. I knew as soon as she looked at the doctor. Truth be told I felt something was wrong for awhile. I couldn't explain it so I thought it was me just being paraniod. The doctor said even if I had come in there wasn't anything they could have done but I had that I didn't trust my instincts. Everything that wasn't normal could be explained as normal. Weird things happen during pregnancy and most of the time is normal.
We told the girls when they got home the next day. They too have had good moments and bad. My youngest suprised me at how emotional she has been and at how compassionate towards me she has been. She and her sister were arguing and Renah came to me and asked,"mommy, am I still a big sister?" I told her she would always be a big sister. She went back to insley and said " see I told you!" She was so excited about being a big sister and she is just not in the way she had hoped or I had hoped for that matter. I know this has been a long post but I think I needed to get it out today. Thank you.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Thank you

I have felt the love and prayers from so many people calling and checking on us. I really appreciate everything and hopefully soon will feel up to a longer post. We are just staying around the house grieving and cuddling. Again, thank you.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

My baby

I got home a few hours ago and am still woozy from the medicine. My baby was a little boy. We named him Mishael Hannaniah it means "Who is equal to our God" and "The Lord gives grace". He was 5 inches long and 1.7 ounces. They said from the size of him he has been gone about 2 weeks. Thank you for you prayers, they are doing more than you know.


It is 6:30 in the morning. I will be leaving for the hospital in a few moments. I found out yesterday that at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. I have to go deliver my baby soon. Please pray for us.

Friday, October 10, 2008

An ode to Autumn

Oh fall, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
I love the pumpkin spice lattes and frapachinos at Starbucks
I love the crisp air
I love the smell of the air
I love the beautiful colors in nature and fashion
I love the boots
I love love love Thanksgiving!
and oh so much more but really I am sounding like a dork! So I'm not the only dork, leave comments about your favorite season and why you love it. Fall puts me in such a good mood! I have a date with hubby tonight and am so excited and tomorrow is the pumpkin patch - yet another good reason to love fall! Have a great fall day!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

He's fine, just forgetful!

So hubby made it home at 10 minutes to 2 this morning, or 10 minutes to me calling the police! I was so worried! Where the show is being held is in the middle of farmland and everything was running through my head. Turns out, he and a couple of people got into a theological debate and b/c he is usually out late on show nights he didn't think I would worry. The guy he was with assured me tonight they would not do that again! He will be home late tonight anyway b/c they are striking the set. The girls and I went to the matinee this afternoon. Why oh why do I keep thinking the girls will sit through a show? They love going to shows but don't like having to be still and quiet for it! So I am always frazzled by the end of a show. I don't know about you but I am not ready for a new week to start. Weekends get shorter and shorter every week. The girls ate after the show and I wasn't hungry now I am and KFC sounds really good right now. I wish there were more places in this town that delivered. I guess that is what happens when you live in a small town - pizza delivery only! I am just trying to talk myself out of KFC so I don't have to get the girls out but I don't think it is going to work. Well, I hope your weekend was great and your week is even greater.Bye!


Why yes, I am up late. Thanks for noticing. I am waiting for my hubby to get home. I guess his phone is dead and the show has been over for awhile. So I can't sleep as I am worried about him. I feel like I had o worry about him enough while he was in Iraq, I don't want to have to worry about him here but I do. I just wish he would call and let me know he is ok!
While I wait with my migraine coming on from being so tired,I will tell you about my day. Laundry anyone? We were embarrassingly behind on laundry. We had piles of it by the laundry room so I stayed home all day and did laundry until I could see that floor. So glad that is done only to have the girls get ready for bath and give me more laundry! I still have to clean the rest of the house, I didn't want to get too involved in cleaning today b/c I wanted to be able to fold the laundry right as it came out of the dryer so it wouldn't just sit there as it normally does. So I just did some picking up in between loads so I wouldn't have so many things going at once. Exciting day, huh?
Last night I went grocery shopping. I haven't done a big shopping trip in forever! On the way to the store my ever logical youngest child made me laugh. She was saying she was going to have 5 babies and 5 kids (10 children total). The she said she was going to have 3 husbands. I asked her why she wanted more than one husband, without a pause she said," momma, I'm going to have 5 babies and 5 kids, I will need help rocking!" I thought I was going to loose it! I told her that when she had kids I would help her rock her babies so she wouldn't have to have so many husbands! It amazes me sometimes that she is only 3. Well, I am going to get some crackers and watch some more tv while I wait. I hope everything is alright!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

In the land of no titles...

I am seriously lacking creativity to come up with a title. We have had a busy week, on Saturday, Wade and I took the girls to the apple orchard. We got there and thought it was a complete bust b/c they said the tractor left and wouldn't go again for about 2 hours. The store was cute but not 2 hours worth! Thankfully, the tractor had not left yet and we were able to take a tour of the orchard. We were not able to pick our own apples though, they were in the store to be bought. It was fun, the girls enjoyed the dogs that ran beside the trailer more than the apple orchard I think! We bought a bushel of apples for $11 - what a steal! They ended up being very sour but that is how Wade likes them and those are great to bake with!
We have all been battling with colds and allergies and as soon as the weather changes, I get so many migraines. I have had one for 3 days now. Thankfully, it has been a mild one, but 3 days is a bit much! We have church tonight so I just did some cooking for it. We serve a meal before service so we are usually busy on Wednesdays. Wade was so sweet this morning, he skipped his morning class to take Ainsley to school so I could sleep some more. It was very appreciated!
Renah is funny, when she wakes up in the mornings, there is a tiny window that you can get her back to sleep. So on the days that I take Ainsley and Wade doesn't have to be anywhere, I can take Renah to our bed. She protests but only for a minute then she is out! Well, I need to finish making the egg salad sandwiches so we can get going. Have a good evening!