Thursday, October 23, 2008


After 3 days, I still have a migraine and in half an hour I have a midterm that I do not feel confidant about. For the first time since I started wearing makeup, I can't seem to find the energy to put it on. I know it will be washed off with tears in a matter of minutes anyway but I don't feel like masking my pain right now. I feel awful and can't lie and say I'm fine. I have talked with so many people who have had a miscarriage over the past few days and know there comes a point that this is not my ever consuming thought, I can't imagine that right now.
At this very moment last week I was delivering my son. It was so painful, emotionally and physically but I would go back to that moment to hold him again. I would live with that awful physical pain to not have this emotional pain. I know there is a reason that we are going through this. I may never know what it is in lifetime but I know my God would not put me through this for no reason. That is my lifeline right now. I am holding onto that assurance as if my life depended on it and truly it does. I know it probably hasn't sounded lately as though that is my hope but it is. I still grieve and know that a place in my heart will always hurt for this child but I know my Savior has me in His hands right now and is loving me.
I have to go take my test now but I will continue this later.Or way later as in the next day - oh well. I took the test and have no idea how I did. Usually, I can guess but truly I could have made an F or an A. I made it through my classes though crying at some point in each one. I have one class today and I am done until Monday. If it were not for financial aid I would quit school this semester. But if I do, my financial aid will go back and I will owe the school money I can't pay. So I will stick it out and pray this semester ends soon.
I have never in my life felt this needy,but there is nothing anyone can do for me. We have had people ask but there truly is nothing that can be done. In the tough times in my life, when Ainsley was born and Wade was in Iraq, when my brother died, when my dad died, all of those times I wanted to be with people. I knew that would help me but through this, I don't mind if people come over but I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay at home. Well, I guess I am going to lay down now. i just took Ainsley to school and Wade and Renah are still sleeping so I am going to rest now. Thank you for the sweet comments and prayers.

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