Monday, November 24, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are going to Florida to visit Wade's family. I am just trying to get through it without a complete meltdown! Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the blessings I have, but I can't help but miss my son and wish he were in my healthy and growing inside if me.
Ainsley is really sick right now so if you think about it, would you send up a prayer for her. She is so excited about the trip tomorrow and I hate that she is feeling so badly. She missed school today and her Christmas program at school tonight. Now it looks as though Renah is coming down with the same thing. I just want them to feel better!

My 4 year old

Today Renah turned 4. On a very rainy night she came into this world. We dropped Ainsley off at a sitter's and proceeded to the hospital. The roads were so flooded that the car stalled twice. I began to panic as contractions were getting closer that I was going to deliver in the car! We joked we were going to change her name to Raina! But we did make it to the hospital and after making us walk around (which to my husband meant climbing stairs!) to ensure it was true labor, they admitted me. At 1:26 in the morning she was born. 7 lbs 14 oz 21 inches. The midwife let my husband deliver her since he missed the first birth. She was born to be a little sister. She is mischevious and knows how to get what she wants. Ainsley spoiles her rotten! She loves her stuffed animals and baby dolls. Still a baby in some ways but excerts her independance often. She is our strong willed child in every sense! I just love this girl!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

My Ideal day

I am sitting here in my house that needs to be cleaned (as usual) imagining my perfect day. I would wake up early, work out, read my Bible, get showered, wake the girls and get them ready, make a healthy breakfast and eat with them while having a family devotion, get Ainsley to school, come home and do some chores, blog, do an art project or letter of the day with Renah, have lunch with Wade and let Renah play, have a little time to myself to have coffee and read more blogs, make a delicious dinner, play with the girls, get them ready for bed, have quality time with Wade and be in bed by 10:30. But even typing it makes me tired!
I think we as women have such high expectations of ourselves and when we fall short (because we will) we feel like we have failed as a wife, mom, and woman. I am not saying to let it all slide like I have been lately, but not to hold who we are in what we do. Those are just the thoughts I am having right now.
Also, last night I was watching "17 kids and counting" b/c I am fascinated by that show and would love to have a large family with better hair and clothes b/c deep down, I'm still kindof shallow! Anyway - I derailed! They were making their own laundry detergent. They can make their own for about $3 for 2 months worth for a family that size. Then today, I was reading a blog and she said she made her own as well. I love making things myself! I always make Christmas presents and am really intrigued by making my own laundry detergent. I may try it, maybe in part b/c it fits into my ideal day and doing so much! What is your ideal day?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Need Motivation!

I stayed home from church tonight to study. I am so needing to focus but can't! The girls are bickering off and on and I just can't seem to pay attention long enough to get anything done. I had a really bad day. It is Wednesday for one and as much as I try to not let it get to me, I go back to Wednesday 5 weeks ago and relive it. But there were other frustrating things today. It would not have been a big deal but right now, every day things are hard and then add an annoyance and it is too much! I got my necklace in the mail. I can't get a good picture of it, so here is the link if you want to see it I am going to try and get the back engraved but am not sure if I can b/c it is small. I can't explain why i wanted it but I did. I think my husband thinks I am crazy sometimes, but he is nice enough not to say so! Well, I am going to attempt to finish my studying now. Have a good evening!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Some pictures

I decided to put a few pictures up. The first one is of Ainsley, she is enjoying her after school snack of popcorn. The second is of Renah and while it is hard to see, she is wearing those gross "Bubba teeth." She got some the other day and loves them. The last is a picture I decided to work on. When Wade and I first came home from the doctor's office, Wade took the ultrasound pictures and put them away so I wouldn't have to look at them for awhile. The other day I told him I wanted them back out. He said h only put them up until I was ready to have them out. I wasn't sure how ready I was but when I looked around the living room and saw pictures of my girls I needed a picture of my son. The cross is something the nurses put with him for the pictures they took of him. And while I do have those pictures of him after I delievered, I needed these put up. I found some scrapbooking stickers for the letters and put the meaning of his name on the frame. Some may think it is a little morbid, but it helps me and I feel is a good reminder.
So this weekend I got the reminder that women get that they are not pregnant. I had and have mixed feelings. Part of me was a little glad because it means we can start thinking of another child and another part knows I shouldn't be thinking about getting pregnant right now because I should be pregnant. But I am not and nothing I can do will bring back that pregnancy. I am not trying to replace my son nor do I think by getting pregnant I will feel better. God knows the right timing for me though.
We had a good weekend. Friday noght was the harvest festival at Ainsley's school. I won a gift certificate to a little shop downtown and found a few things this afternoon. Saturday, Wade and I went to Gatlinburg. We had about an hour and a half total to shop and we saw "The Miracle", it is a musical about the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus. It was really good. It was a nice day for Wade and I. Some time together we needed. Well, I thank you if you read. I know I tend to ramble. Mostly, this is my therapy, it helps me to write about what has happened. But I do enjoy the writing. i hope you have a great afternoon.

Friday, November 14, 2008

It's finally Friday

Woo hoo. I had my 4 week checkup this week. It doesn't seem like it has been that long but at the same time it seems like years. Nothing came out of the tests. For Wade, it is easier knowing there was no reason, but I wanted an answer so badly. I had some questions for my doctor this time. One of which was I still feel movement. I will be sitting doing nothing important and suddenly I feel what feels just like a little kick or roll. For a brief moment, my mind forgets and I enjoy the feeling of my baby, then reality kicks me in the face and I remember that my baby is dead and go back to the moment I found out. It is so painful. In my reading about miscarriages and all the people I have talked with, no one has said anything about this. My doctor said it is a physical reaction to extreme emotions and should go away one day. She compared it to almost being in a car wreck, your heart begins to race and you tense up, while you did not get in a wreck, you still have physical reactions. We also talked about another pregnancy, she said they will see me more often and have many more ultrasounds until I am at 24 weeks. I told her I was scared and every pain or odd feeling was going to scare me. She told me that was ok and to call, she will see me an check things out. Later on in the conversation, I found out she too had a miscarriage about 12 years ago. She said while she is ok most of the time, she will see something sometimes and still cry. Well, I have to get ready for class as much as I want to stay home!. I hope you have a wonderful relaxing weekend.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

It's almost Friday

This has been a crazy week. I had a test on Monday, a paper in Tuesday, a final on Wednesday, and a presentation today. Not to mention Ainsley's homework ( I know she's in kindergarten but it is still something to get done at night!), Wednesday night church ( that doesn't start until 8) an we have to do a video tonight for church Sunday night. I am tired! My 1:00 was canceled today and I ended up sleeping through my next class. Thankfully, I only have one class tomorrow and the school's fall festival tomorrow night.
We are going to Gatlinburg Saturday. Our university got a trip together for the married students with kids. They have childcare and the parents get to spend the day at the outlet shops and we can go to the Miracle Theater for only $10 a ticket! Part of me feel guilty for leaving the girls all day but the other part is so excited to have a day with hubby. I was online last night and found a necklace i decided to get. It has little baby feet and the back can be engraved. I have been thinking about it and have wanted something to commemorate Mishael. I don't why I needed it but I did. When I get it I will take a picture and post it. I hope you have a great evening, I am off to do this video!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A sea of hair

I cannot take it! I am vacuuming constantly an every time I look down there is white hair all over my carpet. Miley is shedding so bad she really should be bald! We have a dyson so it is not like the vacuum is not picking the hair up. But as soon as I am done and empty the container I look down and see more hair! I am not used to having a dog in the house so I don't know how to fix this. Any suggestions?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Veteran's Day

Today is a special day to remember the one who have served and fought for our country. So thank you honey, my dad, and my father in law. Of course I know many other veterans but these are the ones closest to me. I have another reason today is special, today would have been my dad's 69th birthday. I always thought is cool that his birthday was Veteran's Day and he was military. He always got his birthday off! Bu I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Where have all the turkey's gone?

I was in a store Nov 1st, the day after Halloween, and what do I hear but Christmas music! While I love Christmas music and decorations and such, I love Thanksgiving. I understand that Thanksgiving does not bring the stores the money that Halloween and Christmas do, but it is a holiday none the less and should not be forgotten. It is a time we celebrate our religious freedom and how this country got started. I tried a new design on my blog, but lost some things I had done on the page but that is ok, I like the Thanksgiving theme.
I did not have class today and that was nice. I wanted to clean all day but when I got home from taking Ainsley to school I laid back down- I was so tired. I did get some things done but not everything I wanted done. I think I set unreal expectiations sometimes. I have been feeling so overwhelmed since losing my baby and have had such a hard time keeping up with the house and schoolwork. I can't seem to find the energy or the desire to try and get everything done. I am trying but just can't yet. But I knew that if I could clean up today, it would help some.
I was in my counseling class yesterday, we had to ge with someone we don't know well and do some mock counseling. I was not looking forward to it and when I sat down with the girl, we started talking. The assignment was to try out a certain technique and discuss some problem we have or something we have been going through. The whole time I was the "counselor" I was trying to figure out how to discuss something without crying. I didn't make it two words so I told her when happened. I was embarrased because I really didn't want to bring her down and make the whole thing about me.
I talked to Wade afterwards and he told me not to be embarrassed about it because it is a real problem and is something they will need to work with if they become a counselor. Part of me knew that but did not want to break down in class again. Well, I did not mean for this post to be this long. I need to go to sleep - it's 1 in the morning, but I has tea for dinner and the caffeine is keeping me up. Blogging is better than laying here trying to sleep, so maybe I will type for swhile longer. When I started blogging I had no real reason except just to journal, but I am so thankful I did, this is very therapeutic. And even if no one reads it but me, it is good to get all of these emotions out.
I feel God has had His hand on so many things even the small things such as starting a blog and reading others that have helped grow my faith. I started reading the Audrey Caroline blog a few months before I got pregnant. Hearing her story has strengthened me and helped me in my journey. When I was sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to get the ultrasound, God brought back to my rememberance the time she wrote about her ultrasound when she found out about her baby's illness. She said to the technichian, "God is still God and He is still on the throne" That is what I kept repeating to myself while I sat there. I knew something was not right, but until the bleeding began I had no proof. But my God is amazing and loves me enough to teach me things before I need them.
He is showing me His love more and more every day. He shows me in so many ways and through people, especially my husband. He is such an amazing husband and has been here for me and my emotions over the past 3 weeks. I feel bad because I don't feel I have been there for him like he has been there for me, but he just keeps giving to me and letting me deal my grief. I am so thankful for him. Well, I am going to attempt sleep now. Goodnight.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

And through it all life goes on...

Experiencing my brother's and father's death did not prepare me for the grief I am feeling with the loss of my Mishael. The world keeps moving and I am grieving. School work still comes due, bills still have to be paid, the house still needs to be cleaned (seriously - my house is a mess). The world doesn't stop for grief. I want it to, I don't want to have to be responsible for anything right now but that is not possible.
I am so thankful for the children I have but miss the child that is gone. I believe a loss of a child is horrible, no matter the amount of children one has. Someone said, "at least it wasn't your first child, you have 2 others". I know what I am missing by this child not being here in my tummy and later in our lives. I know the good and the bad- late nights, early mornings, first smiles, laughs, hugs and kisses of a child. If this were my first I wouldn't know what I was missing but would know that I was missing something amazing. Looking at both sides I don't believe either one has it "easier".
I have also had some, "aside from that how are you?" Right now there isn't an aside from that, that is all I feel right now. I know people are trying to help but they can't it is something I must deal with in my own time. Wednesdays and Thursdays are especially tough. Wednesday was the day I found out and Thursday is the day I delievered him. I am having a hard time with being involved right now. I have always been one to volunteer for things and usually stretch myself too thin but love it, right now, I don't enjoy voluteering. I am having a hard enough time with what has to be done. I am trying so hard though not to make people feel uncomfortable in my grief. A friend told me to be as selfish as I want right now, it is about Wade and I no one else. Life is like standing at an escalator trying to step on, you know if you want to get up you have to but you are scared, life is going on around me sooner or later I have to get back on. I just don't think it will be sooner.

Harsh words

So my last post may have seemed a bit harsh and while I am not one to usually express my political feelings because I do feel it is personal I was surprised at the American public and how the economy and race were such a huge part of this election. There were so many other issues that even some Christians did not consider with their vote. Coming from a military childhood and marriage, I feel the military issue is above all else. The military protects us from those outside and sometimes inside our country.
While Sept.11 did happen and it was horrendous, because we have such a strong military, we don't see things like that more often. They are brave and strong over the past 8 years have been taken care of. While I do not agree with Bush on many things, I do know he had our military in mind. It was so hard to cast my vote 4 years ago for Bush because I knew when I cast that vote, I was casting a vote for my husband to be deployed again and possible hurt or worse. But I knew in my heart it was the right decision for my country.
The military has to make hard decisions that affect their family and country every day and deserve to have respect and to be provided for. Did you know that a solider who has a family and is less than an E-6 rank qualifies for WIC and in some cases food stamps? It is sad that our heroes are not being cared for in the way they should be. I am thankful those programs are available to them but they should not have to need it. As I said last night, God is not surprised by this it is all in His hands. Just pray for our nation and our new president.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Well that just stinks

We have a new president and I believe it is one of the worst decisions America has ever made. I am truly disappointed in the American people and how they are willing to be lied to over and over during the campaigning. I feel they will be shocked into reality when he does not fulfill his promises and changes his promises. God is still on the throne and not surprised by the dumb decisions we as Americans just made. This should not have been a vote about race but the issues and while McCain is not a perfect candidate he would have at least taken care of our military. I think the prayers for America just sky rocked and the terrorists just laughed an evil laugh. God have mercy on us! Agree with me or disagree I don't really care just pray for our nation.

Monday, November 3, 2008


So guess who learned how to add pictures? Just not yet how to get them in the order I want! The doctor is Renah and supergirl is Ainsley. The pumpkin in the far left is what Ainsley drew and we carved it. The far right is Renah's - it requires a bit more imagination but we still liked it. I did the 2 in the middle and apparantly didn't realize that halloween is for scary stuff not our Army/America pride! The girls had a lot of fun and got so much candy! We had a good weekend. We had a special speaker on Sunday, he called Wade and I to minister to us about 3 times. When he first started talking about people needing a touch and to feel loved I sat in my seat. I said to myself, "God, I know you love me but I'm not going anywhere right now I can't, if you have something to tell me or want to minister to me, you will have to come to me" Within a minute the minister was in front of Wade and I, and kept coming back. In the service last night, he came up to us again and asked if we were the couple that was sitting across the aisle that morning and again wanted to minister to us. He said, " I don't know what your need is, but God knows and wants you to know again like this morning, everything is going to be alright. You both have been on my mind all afternoon so I prayed for you all afternoon." Wade talked to our pastor after service and he told Wade that he told the minister nothing about what we had been going through. I am amazed at the love of my Savior. I have always known that he loves me but I guess I feel he is really showing me right now when I need it most. I still hurt but feel strengthened and encouraged. I hope your Sunday was encouraging as well and don't forget to vote tomorrow!