That which does not kill us...

...sometimes makes us wish it would. No not really, but I really don't want to be any stronger right now. I told my husband that I feel as though I am walking around without skin. I feel that exposed and raw. I will be alright one minute and the next minute a wave of grief will come over me I feel as though I cannot breathe. This hurts so badly. I have to go back to the real world tomorrow. Ainsley has a field trip to the pumpkin patch and I signed up to go. I don't want to disappoint her so I will go. But I have to face people who don't know and try to make it through.
We got out for a little while yesterday to the apple festival down town. I knew I needed to for the girls. It isn't fair to keep them cooped up in the house just because I don't want to go anywhere. I feel as though I would be fine to stay in my jammies and lay on the couch for a few more weeks. But I have tests and presentations and all kinds of junk due. The world goes on through my grief. I feel so appreciative to those who have brought us meals, flowers and cards. But I feel as though I should be able to say something more than thank you. When I had my back surgery, and was physically unable to get up, I didn't feel like I needed to be a hostess when someone came by. But now I feel like I can't get up I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I just need to sit and grieve. I know that is what I am supposed to do but I can't even make an effort to get dressed. I obviosly had to get dressed when we went downtown I don't know what possesed me but I tried on my old jeans and they fit. It is like my body forgot that I was pregnant. It was heartbreaking. I know it doen't make sense everyone wants to get into their old jeans as quickly as possible but it is too soon for me. I feel like most of my grief doesn't make sense.
Last Tuesday night I started bleeding some. I called the dr he said if I wasn't cramping it was probably nothing. I told him I had had some pains for a few weeks but I thought it was ligament stretching so I don't think much about it. He said it probably was. He told me to lie down and come see him in the morning. I already had an appointment, so he told me to keep it but if things go worse during the night to call him back. I was still worried so I called my mil who was a nurse. She told me the same thing. I didn't sleep too well that night and in the morning was still bleeding. I went to my appoinment and saw a female dr. She examined me and tried to get a heartbeat but couldn't. She still didn't seem worried but said she had to get an ultrasound anyway and knew that the longer she didn't get a heartbeat it would just worry me. We went to get the ultrasound down the hall.
The technican found the baby and he wasn't moving, then she put up the heartbeat on the screen and looked at the dr. I started crying as did the doctor. She apoligized and said the baby was dead. I knew as soon as she looked at the doctor. Truth be told I felt something was wrong for awhile. I couldn't explain it so I thought it was me just being paraniod. The doctor said even if I had come in there wasn't anything they could have done but I had that I didn't trust my instincts. Everything that wasn't normal could be explained as normal. Weird things happen during pregnancy and most of the time is normal.
We told the girls when they got home the next day. They too have had good moments and bad. My youngest suprised me at how emotional she has been and at how compassionate towards me she has been. She and her sister were arguing and Renah came to me and asked,"mommy, am I still a big sister?" I told her she would always be a big sister. She went back to insley and said " see I told you!" She was so excited about being a big sister and she is just not in the way she had hoped or I had hoped for that matter. I know this has been a long post but I think I needed to get it out today. Thank you.