Whew

Well, the semester is finally over. I am pretty sure I bombed my physical science final. But I am unable to care. I made it through the semester and that is all that matters right now. I feel I have had to put my grieving on hold to make it through, but I am still so sad. I am having such a hard time right now b/c I have made myself go on and push through to get to the end of the semester and the past few days I have felt more of what feels like baby movement again. That is so hard. Last night I even tried to feel it from the outside to see if I could get Wade to feel it as well to prove to myself I am not crazy. I couldn't of course so I didn't get Wade to try.
I would be 25 weeks pregnant by now. It is difficult to see pregnant women. I am not jealous or angry that they are pregnant, just sad that I am not. We are thinking of trying again soon. I have said before I am not trying to replace Mishael, but I do want a baby. I will never forget how happy I was while pregnant nor will I forget the misery I have gone through since finding out he was gone, but I know in my heart that my family is not complete yet. And I know that when we feel we are done having children, my family still will not be complete until we are reunited in heaven. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense.
When I started this blog, I just did it for me and anyone who would read. I still don't know who all reads it, but it has been so beneficial for me. I met someone at a Christmas party the other night. He works at the counseling center at the school, Wade was talking to him and called me over. 18 years ago, when his wife was 39 weeks pregnant they found out that the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and she had died. He asked how I was and I of course started crying. He told me that just that week he had found his wife lying in bed crying because she missed Emily. He told me to come by anytime to talk to him if I wanted and I thought about it and might, but I really get out so many of my feelings here.
I know it would probably be good but I don't know if I am ready to share my grief face to face yet. That sounds crazy I know, but writing it down as I can is different than going to someone and telling them how I hate this happened and how much I miss him. Either way nothing changes the fact that he is gone. Well, this was not what I intended to write about , but that is the beauty of it. I can write what comes out and you can choose not to read it if you like. But if you did get this far, have a good day.

Update

The nurse called me a couple of hours later, the CT scan showed no blood on the brain, so it was unlikely a stroke. They do not know what is going on though. They have kept her sedated with a tube down her throat since her breathing is difficult. Wade looked at the car and fixed a few things but the check engine light is still on. So I decided to wait until after Wednesday to go down there. We have finals until then and are waiting on a part for the car.

My mom

I may be going to Huntsville later on today, I received a phone call from my BIL at about 5:30 this morning. My mom has been in a medical clinic since Thanksgiving b/c she fell and broke her leg. The nurses went to check in on her and was unable to wake her. She had symptoms of a stroke. The rushed her to the hospital but I don't know anything else right now. Wade is working on the car right now b/c the check engine light came on and the other one can't go more than a few miles without overheating, so if it can be fixed I will go down there.

Christmas Meme

So I "borrowed" this from Musings of a Housewife (woo hoo I learned how to link!) I love her blog, she is so honest and funny. So here is her Christmas Meme with my answers though I "borrowed" some of her answers as well!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper for the family and gift bags for others, not because I don't care but I am not a good wrapper or rapper for that matter.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Last year we went with real and I think as long as we are stateside we will have the real thing!

3. When do you put up the tree? I like putting it up the Saturday after Thanksgiving but this year we were out of town so we are putting it up today

4. When do you take the tree down? New Years Day

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, in small amounts though

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably the year I received the walkman - yes, a cassette one!

7. Hardest person to buy for? My husband and FIL

8. Easiest person to buy for? The kids and my MIL

9. Do you have a nativity scene? I think we lost that on one of our many moves

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail absolutely!

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I got a gold sparkly black sweater from my mom right after I got married. I gushed over that ugly thing and later my husband cautiously asked me, " So you like that sweater your mom got you?" I laughed and said "absolutely not but my mom always buys me ugly clothes and I have had years of experience pretending to like them!" I was impressed with my acting abilities!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Movie and It's a Wonderful Life - 2 very different types but I love them both

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever the spirit leads. - yep me too

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? guilty - 3 words- seashell picture frames

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? too much to choose from

16. Lights on the tree? Yes! I prefer white lights but Wade and the girls are all about the colors

17. Favorite Christmas song? Oh Holy Night

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home!

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixon! Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen! But do you recall… the most famous reindeer of aaaaaaaaaall… Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! - "borrowed"

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? We have an angel whose wings light up and move but I think might be too big for the size tree we will need this year

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One on Christmas Eve - new jammies and the rest Christmas morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Christmas decorations put out too early. Patience, people! Let’s enjoy Thanksgiving first! - I agree

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? I like them ALL!

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham and the sides

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? good memories

God amazes me

I should be studying as I have a final in a little over an hour but was looking for something online and found this a song by Bldg 429. It spoke to me today, maybe it will to you as well:

You ought to know that I am here (near)
You ought to know I'll be here to love you
Just to love you
Through all the pain and through the years
I'll be the one to dry your tears
I love you, I love you
Because you're mine

Child of mine I know that you're hurting
And I've seen you try to soldier on
I am here to lift away your burden
And I will hold you till the pain is gone

So today I promise forever
Tomorrow I'll say it again
You would give it all to know the answers
And I know you've heard this all before
I'm just here to help your heart remember
That no one else could ever love you more

So today I promise forever
Tomorrow, I'll say it again

So don't you ever doubt
You are my precious child
my glory in the making
The years will bring you many trials
But I will never let you down
I'm here with my arms open just waiting for

Tagged

I got the cornbread on for the stuffing and decided to wait on studying for the final - really bad I know! So here goes!

Tagged - My Top 8

8 TV Shows I love to watch:
1. Jon and Kate Plus 8
2. The Office
3.Scrubs
4. Biggest Loser
5. Reba
6. HDTV - anything!
7. According to Jim
8. The Dugger's on TLC

8 Favorite Restaurants:
1. Macaroni Grill
2. Olive Garden
3. Outback
4. Chili's
5. Shlotski's
6. Cracker Barrel
6. Chick-Fil-A
7. Carabba's
8. Giada's (in Italy - my favorite!)

8 Things that happened today:

1. Got Ainsley to school.
2. Went to Physical Science
3. Had lunch at Lee with friends
4. Went to the gym
5. Made cornbread.
6. cleaned the living room a bit
7. procrastinated my studying
8. Caught up on reading blogs

8 Things I am looking forward to:
1. Finals being over!
2.A clean house once school is over
3. Graduation
4. My 9th anniversary coming up
5. Christmas
6. Christmas shopping
7. My girls faces Christmas morning
8. Seeing my son again

8 Things on my Wish list:
1. A minivan
2. A computer for me so we could stop having to share
3.A nice vacation
4. A chance to have another baby
5.A constantly clean house
6. debt free
7. A massage
8. straight A's

People I tag: I don't know who all reads this -so if I didn't list you consider yourself tagged

1. Lisa
2. Tippa
3. Laura
4. Colleen
5. Bree

Too busy!

We had a nice Thanksgiving and are back right into finals and Christmas parties and a messy house again. I was tagged by another Christina and am happy to answer as soon as I have a few minutes to breathe! I hope you all are ok. I have a final to study for and stuffing to make. Talk to you later!