Wednesday, June 23, 2010

3 girls?

My son would have been 15 months old by now. Seeing little boys at the age he would be always makes my heart ache. Then looking at my Mackenzie makes me so thankful for her and her life. Being a mom to 3 girls gets a lot of comments just as a mom to all boys or a mom with kids very close in age I'm sure gets. Almost every time we go out someone makes the comment about me having all girls and no boys. I usually smile and nod but not Ainsley and Renah (especially Ainsley). They always tells them "No, I have a brother!" Then they proceed to tell them that he either died or lives in heaven. The person usually looks at me with that look of sorrow and pity, smiles at the girls and walks away.
Ainsley for awhile got upset with me because she felt like I was forgetting him. I didn't tell her that not a day goes by when I don't think of my son and what he would be like or look like. I didn't tell her that my arms will always ache for him or that every family picture will be incomplete. Instead I tried to explain to her that it's hard to tell everyone I meet that I have a son who isn't with us because it makes me sad to. She said she understood and now takes it upon herself to tell anyone who asks and sometimes those who don't.
I feel bad for the people when she tells them because you know it isn't what they expect to hear, but at the same time I am glad she remembers her brother, though she never met him. She loves him and includes him in my count of children and in my mother in law's count of grandchildren.
I wish I did not belong to this club of mothers. I wish I didn't get that feeling of dread when someone tells me they are pregnant for fear that they may become part of this club. I hate that fear. I hope my girls eventually do understand why it isn't my conversation starter, but I also hope they always remember him.

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